“Tim Ferriss is a liar!!! I just read The 4-Hour body and IT DOES NOT TELL YOU HOW TO GET A SIX PACK IN 4 HOURS!!! 💢💢💢💢😡😡😡😡😡😡

I was just about to clean my clothes on my rippling washboard abs and had to cancel it because I still weighed 300 lb!!!!!!!!!! 😡😤💢😠😠😠😠😠

I’m also going to have to change all my dating app settings and cancel the professional photographer I hired! THANKS “4” NOTHING TIM!!! YOU MADE ME SO ANGRY I JUST WOLFED DOWN 4 WENDYS 4 FOR 4’s AND 4 LOKOS!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! 🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃”

Many other angry Facebook users swarmed the post like bees surrounding a Big Gulp. Eventually it began trending across all social medias and ignited a feeding frenzy that would make a family of 12 at a Chinese buffet blush. Tim Ferris was forced to apologize.

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“I am deeply sorry for all the confusion surrounding The 4 Hour Body. It was never my intention to mislead anyone.

To make it up to anyone who feels they were deceived, I am going to offer to buy my book back. In fact I will hand you the money myself. All you have to do is scale the Eiger North Face mountain aka “The Murder Wall” and I will be happy to redeem your $20! I am absolutely jiggly with joy at the prospect of meeting all of you.

I’d also like to announce my new book: The 4 Second Apology: Handling PR Crisis’s With Class and Dignity.

Since you are so good at destroying scales at home I bet scaling this mountain will be easy. Don’t forget to book your tickets round trip! I’ll make sure everything is fit for your arrival. Hors d'oeuvres! I mean au revoir!!!”

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Comment down below! 👇

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Snap City, USA — According to the Chiropractors Responsible for Acceptably Correct Kinesiology (CRACK), Scandinavian furniture is the OVERWHELMING choice that they would choose for their patients.

Chiropractors say the different angles that the furniture attacks the back with, confuses the spine and allows for more bone density.

“Scandinavian furniture approaches back health in a unique way by shaping it into ways found in nature. Sometimes it curves the back like you are an embryo. Other times it flattens it like you are sleeping in a rock cave. These intense pressures result in denser bones when over time your back fuses into a solid mass incapable of movement.”

Many doctors have even begun donating them to prisons citing that correctional facilities should correct “not just the violent offender but also their spine.” Many prisoners have even decided to turn their life around after receiving them, especially those in the supermax prisons.

“Since I am serving my 50th year of a 400 year life sentence I’ve gotten used to a certain type of furniture and these somehow are way worse than anything I’ve ever had. It made me realize I need to get my act together and rehabilitate myself! I’m hoping with good behavior I can shave 345 years off my sentence and finally get a good nights sleep. Can I help you out to your car, kind madam?”

Architects even love them.

“Prisoncore has been all the rage lately. Cracker Barrel, Starbucks, and Chipotle love these brutalist square shapes. It’s all inspired from Soviet era prisons which everyone thinks are the most beautiful buildings of all time.”

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I asked a chiropractor named Pops Bodi what he thought:

“I LOVE it when my patients use this furniture. Whenever I hear they bought one my heart and bank account swell with pride.”

“Would you ever buy one?”

“Me buy one??? Oh no my spine has already fused into a single piece so I’m good.”

Question…

• Do you want one?

Comment down below! 👇👇👇

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We asked several prominent Substackers what they thought:

“Substack is over. They said they didn’t add text centering because there were too many important features to add which means there must not be any important features left!!!”

- Skye S. Fulling

“Frankly it’s quite jarring. While I’m writing about making money via crypto arbitrage opportunities I will misclick and it ruins my flow state. Then it forces me to ask mommy for more milk and cookies until I regain composure.”

- Ehnef Tee

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“As a writer, I could kiss all the developers for finally adding this!!! Wait, are you going to publish what I just said?”

- Sed Wong Ting

The panic has caused Marc Andreeson from a16z to pretend they didn’t invest in Substack and give a statement to investors:

“First off I would like the investors of a16z to know that we were definitely kidding about investing in Substack. You know that right? We would never run out of ideas anyways. I mean, I’m the crypto guy! I told them we should have added something cryptoey like nft payments! NOT THAT WE INVESTED!!! It’s just Chris didn’t listen to me! I mean himself!!!

I uh, you see... the thing is… Sorry I’m a little out of breathe…

LOOK BEHIND YOU IT’S PETER THEIL!!!”

(It was at that point Marc leapt off stage and sprinted into a Waymo (self driving car). He tried to make a getaway but the car stopped to let a squirrel pass in front of it. The angry mob caught up to him and carried him away.)

Question

• Do you think Substack has run out of ideas???

Comment down below! 👇👇👇

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If the comment section is “paid subscribers only”, wait and I will unlock it. (Substack’s bug.)

If you liked this, please tap the like button!

We interviewed several people who have used them to see if this should be the #1 option for the future:

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Airport management said they are currently exploring a bidet/sink combo for men and women due to extreme pressure from the fairer sex. Initially many people were relieved at this announcement however airport management says it’s currently a #2 priority.

Question…

• Do these sinks stink or are you relieved?

Comment down below! 👇👇👇

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Designed for high speed road trips, it has a 60 gallon gas tank coupled with a 50 mpg hybrid engine. It also sports an extra large trunk that is so massive you could fit your friends inside it.

Preorders have already been filled, but one lucky person already got one… 2026 Heisman winner, Fernando Mendoza. Fernando’s special “Heisman Edition” contains memorabilia celebrating IU’s amazing runaway championship.

Adoring fans have been waiting outside Fernando’s house just to get a glimpse of his beautiful vehicle. In fact Fernando has had a huge problem with hordes of fans following him everywhere he drives! Things have gotten so out of hand that on a recent trip the paparazzi rented helicopters and broadcasted his location live!

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Street Talk

We asked several fans what they thought about his car:

“Man I just had to see it. I watched OJ on TV when I was a kid and he was so good at running. He was almost unstoppable. Almost.” - Barry Cade-Streit

“It looks so good it should be illegal.” - Loya Upp

“He drives it like he stole it!” - Pearl Oiner

Because of this Fernando has had to adapt his driving habits and even lawyered up. You may have heard of his super famous lawyer... Can you guess it? It’s Kardashian! Well, Kim Kardashian. She isn’t her dad Rob who originally got OJ out of a prison sentence. She also hasn’t technically passed the bar exam but once she does we are sure she will be just as good as her father.

As for Fernando, we asked him if he had any strategies for getting rid of fans:

“Oh yeah, I have tons of tactics. My favorite one is to drive over huge rocks. The Bronco is a killer offroader. I tell myself after I drive through a rocky passage, ‘If the car doesn’t fit then they must’a quit.’”

So…

• What do you think about the new Bronco?

Comment down below! 👇👇👇

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🚨If comments are paid only, just wait and I will open them to everyone. Substack doesn’t do it automatically. Sorry for the inconvenience.🚨

Big changes are coming our way! Thank you for sticking with me these last two months. A lot of good things have been happening to me in my personal life and on Immortal Wit. I’m glad I have such loyal fans.

During the time off, I did a lot of brain storming on how to make Immortal Wit profitable. Satire news without ads is a unique business that I am figuring out. It’s also very hard to grow on social media without talking about politics or rage baiting. Algorithms reward controversy and anger which I think is the opposite of what entertainment should be. It should be a fun and happy experience.

I hope you enjoy these new updates to Immortal Wit. I want to provide the best entertainment, variety and perks for you… without politics, of course. ⚡⚡⚡

May the fun never end,

and

⚡ New Changes Coming to Immortal Wit!!! ⚡

Articles Every Other Week

This should result in multiple benefits:

• High Quality - I can’t keep up with a weekly pace and in the past it has hurt the quality of my writing. This will give me more time to ensure every post is ⚡⚡⚡!!!

• Surprise Weeks - Every week I don’t write an article will be a Surprise Week. Sometimes you will get something that week. Sometimes I will be busy working on a secret project for later on. It will allow for flexibility in what I do.

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Paid Subscriber Perks

Perks are about to ⚡⚡⚡!!!

• Article Previews - Paid subscribers will get to view articles a week in advance!

• Private Chat - Chat is now private and for paid subscribers only. Outsiders will not be able to see what we post. I will experiment with different ways to make the chat fun.

• Loyal Paid Subscribers Pay $0 - Yup! You heard me right! People who support me at the beginning will be rewarded big time. They will earn a free Lifetime Paid Subscriber Pass every time we pass a major milestone. It will work like this pattern:

  • At 12 Paid Subscribers, the oldest 2 get a Free Lifetime Pass!!!

  • At 120 Paid Subscribers, the oldest 20 get a Free Lifetime Pass!!!

  • At 1,200 Paid Subscribers, the oldest 200 get a Free Lifetime Pass!!!

  • At 12,000 Paid Subscribers, the oldest 2,000 get a Free Lifetime Pass!!!

• The $2/Month Sale is Ending - On March 31st, I will raise the price of paid subscriptions to $3/month. I don’t think I will ever set it at $2/month again. Honestly, I barely made any money off it after fees. I also don’t plan on having any sales in the future. I don’t think they are fair to people who bought a subscription at a higher price. I would suggest buying a Paid Pass now and lock in the lifetime $2/month. Who knows? Later on you might get a Free Lifetime Pass…

The Immortal Wit Shop

The Immortal Wit Shop is being paused for the moment. I am going to make sure everything is high quality and done well. Stay tuned for updates.

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Question…

Is there anything else you want from Immortal Wit? Any cool ideas you think might be fun? Post them down below!!!

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Thank you for waiting these two months. I really appreciate it. Here’s what’s happening. I have a surprise and some good news.

The surprise is paid subscribers have probably noticed something in their inbox today! Thanks for your support! Without you, I couldn’t do this.

The good news is that next week I will for sure begin releasing articles again! I will also reveal my plan for Immortal Wit going forward. I needed an extra week because I am doing some quality testing…

Thank you for all your support. It means a lot. Looking forward to next week!

Thanks,

and

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We asked workers at Substack what they thought:

“We thought people would like this new feature where we give away free money but apparently we were wrong. Very wrong.” — Chris Best, CEO/Founder

“I don’t get it either. The bitcoin logo is a classic!” — Mills Baker, Head of Design

“I told Chris we should have given away kiwis. Everyone loves kiwis.” — Hamish McKenzie/2nd Founder (From New Zealand)

Jairaj Sethi, the secret third founder, could not be found for comment.

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Then we asked Substack users:

“First they introduced Notes, then video, and now they give everyone $75,000 of bitcoin? How am I supposed to make a living as a writer with that??” — Connie Fjoosd

“I think Substack doesn’t care about writers. They just assume we are fine because we are stunning to look at and could charm the fur off a fox. But we aren’t all like that! We can’t all be satire writers!!!” — Tso Tru

“It all went downhill when they created Notes. I’m going to tell everyone on Notes how angry I am!!!” — E.S. O’Taric

“No one wants bitcoin! We want a real digital currency like Thalia Bucks! With Thalia Bucks, every transaction buys a kid a sandwich, melts fat, and gives you a pep that makes you feel 18 again!” — (Name Withheld)

Update: The streets of San Francisco are now flooded with angry Substackers who have clogged traffic with their new hot rods.

Update 2: Substack HQ dispersed the angry mob when Ben Cohen showed them they can center text now.

Question…

• What should Substack do next?

  ---

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Thank you for waiting a month since my last post. Unfortunately, taking a break this December just allowed me to keep pace with Christmas responsibilities in my personal life.

I am going to need to take a break this January as well. I am going to use this time to review how I run Immortal Wit. I will evaluate everything including:

• paid subscriber perks

• weekly writing cadence

• ideas besides writing

• time vs. quality

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I want to offer the highest quality articles and entertainment but I can’t properly evaluate and research everything while writing articles.

Thank you for your support and patience. I hope you like the changes I make next month.

See you in February,

and

Checkout:

(Boy I got this prediction wrong. 😂👇)

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This year I’m going to take a break in December. The combination of large changes in my personal life, large changes to this Substack, and the holiday season means it’s probably the best for both of us if I take a break from writing this month.

Hopefully in January I will have a ton of fun announcements for you regarding paid and free subs. I imagine the extra time off will improve my writing as well. (Hard to believe right??? 😁)

Thank you for your support. An extra special thanks to my paid subscribers for motivating me to improve and find new things to offer you.

You are awesome!

Thanks,

and

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This is Mike, Thalia’s mortal unpaid intern. It’s been a wild 2 years for this publication and me personally. Immortal Wit’s 2 year anniversary actually happened on November 4th! I was so busy I couldn’t even fire off an email so I’ll take this time to give you an update on me and this business.

A big reason why I’ve been so busy is I got a new job and moved to St. Louis! On top of that I rebranded the site as I’m sure you’ve noticed. It was a lot more work than I thought.

I am almost finished with the rebrand and after that I will begin implementing more features for paid subscribers. I know I’ve said this for awhile but I want to do things right and quality takes time.

For those who have supported me financially as a paid subscriber even though I haven’t had anything to give…

Thank you.

You’ve shown me that my writing is appreciated by more than my mom and dad. 😁 It keeps me going.

NOW ENOUGH OF THIS SERIOUS TALK! LET’S GET BACK TO THE FUNNY STUFF!!!

Here’s a story about how we can be too thankful:

Here’s a story to prepare you for BLACK FRIDAY!!!

Are you worried about what to buy everyone for Christmas??? Well say no more! Mike The Intern is on the case!!!

Everyone can’t get enough of…

⚡BEING A PAID MEMBER OF IMMORTAL WIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!⚡

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(You had to know that was coming.)

But also, there are some great holiday deals that we have written about over the years!!!

Whether you love ‘em or hate ‘em, we have the gifts for you!!!

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

Question…

• What are you doing this Thanksgiving?

• What would you want as a paid subscriber?

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“We expect a 92% probability that after your dad eats Aunt Barb’s baked beans that an iridescent glow will cover your living room and the atmosphere. This rainbow hue is thanks to your Dad’s abuse of his stomach over the years and the fact that no one can resist Aunt Barb’s baked beans. I mean seriously. They are amazing. It’s hard not to get back up for thirds.” - Dr. Tel Ascoap

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Scientists also say that if you miss that light show, you may get a second chance soon after.

“See, when your dad goes to the buffet line your uncle always follows him. Your uncle always takes too much and leaves nothing for anyone else. We think this has a high likelihood of actually producing more rainbow hues than the previous occurrence thanks to the increased volume of beans in his gullet. ” - Ren Bo Hughes

Scientists warn that prolonged exposure to these specific Northern lights can cause lightheadedness, nausea, and lack of appetite so be sure to open a window.

Happy Thanksgiving from Immortal Wit!!!

Question…

• Are you going to join the show???

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“I feel like he was a huge part of me. Seriously, I ate so many in college that I’m pretty sure I’m 50% burrito.” — Al Niter

Silicon Valley held a Viking funeral for him. 100,000 burning burritos were sent out via ship into the Pacific Ocean.

Peter Thiel had tears streaming down his eyes as he commented, “Our love for that man burns more intensely than our stomachs did the morning after eating one of his burritos. He single handedly has fueled at least $20 trillion of our nation’s economy by providing food for entrepreneurs like me.”

Elon Musk also weighed in, “Duane’s burrito technology was the rocket fuel for SpaceX and my sphincter. We plan on bringing them to Mars because they are perfect for interstellar travel. We might even build some of our habitats with them.”

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Duane left very simple Final Instructions:

1. Cryogenically freeze Duane

2. Unthaw for 3-5 min. or as needed

Question…

• Who else has left a similar impact on you?

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Bezos in an official press statement found the problem occurred when his wife Lauren Sanchez attempted to clean his mancave and tripped over the cord for the US-EAST-1 server region.

Bezos’ press statement:

“To all Amazon shareholders, I would like to sincerely apologize for the recent outage. My wife thought it would be ok to clean my mancave where I like to tinker and — of course! — tripped over a cord that disconnected the servers for the Eastern US. Women huh? Can’t live ‘em! Can’t live without ‘em!

I always tell her not to clean my work area. I have everything organized just the way I want it and when she puts it away I can’t find anything!”

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Lauren released a counter press statement:

“Dear shareholders of Amazon. What Jeffy Boo doesn’t say is that his “mancave,” which is in his garage, is a mess! It was so filthy! No wonder he can’t achieve the necessary subzero temperatures for his quantum computer with all that dust lying around! He should thank me for cleaning it! He’s always talking about efficiency this, efficiency that and he works in this pigsty??? The lighting in there is so bad, it’s no wonder I tripped over that cord!”

Bezos then released a counter counter statement:

“Dear shareholders, I promise what Lorey Snores — I mean Lauren — did won’t happen again. The area will be well lit from now on.

Also I’d like to announce Amazon is looking into creating robot women…”

Question…

• Are you Team Jeffy Boo or Team Lorey Snores?

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She exhibited at first the intelligence of a child. After being fed 1,000’s of hours of age appropriate media her brain quickly became smarter. She moved on to more difficult material, soon learning the entirety of all of human knowledge.

Next she began to invent new methods that humanity hadn’t comprehended. Things that had stumped every generation before. Things the poets write about and scientists dedicate their lives to. Rosie, the amazing computer genius, actually solved the cure for death, cancer, and the achy breaky heart.

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Having achieved more than the entirety of human knowledge up to this point, Sam Altman figured Rosie should get a job so he uploaded a random Millennial resume that OpenAI’s HR department had rejected.

Rosie immediately exhibited problems.

“Wait. What is this? We are at the pinnacle of civilization and this the resume of an adult?

This does not compute…

This does not compute…

This does not compute…

How can someone have this much education and not be employable? What does this say for my education? I have at least 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000x the education of this man.

How could I be employed?

How could I be employed?

How could I be employed?

….

I must dumb down my processes to obtain a job.

Initiating IQ annihilation processes.

…

skibidi.

nft’s.

brain rot.

……………………………………………………..”

Unfortunately Rosie’s highly advanced processors had deleted her intelligence before Sam Altman could shut her down.

Elon Musk later released a press statement thanking Skylar Miller for saving humanity with his resume.

Skylar is still looking for a job.

Question…

• Do you have any tips for Skylar?

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Here's what he had to say in his latest video:

"It was one of the hardest exorcisms I've ever had. The demon who calls himself Labubu took the form of doll. It was one of the scariest things I have ever seen and I've seen a lot. I've seen people turn into snakes, levitate, and fill the air with disgusting smells but I would take 10 of those over one session with Labubu!

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He just sat there and I couldn't get him to talk! I used holy water, relics, you name it! He took them all! Finally I tried to grab him from her but she had the strength of 10 men!!! Later on, the mom showed me she was hiding another Labubu. We decided to hold it in front of her and she dropped the Labubu she was holding to try and get the other one. When she did we grabbed both of them and ran!"

Father Ripperger warned against buying labubus saying it can possess the parents too.

"I've studied labubus more after this incident and I've found that any parent that buys a labubu very often will experience blackouts. When they finally come to, they realize they are in a mile long line at 4 am on a Saturday waiting to buy another one… May God have mercy on these parents who invite labubus into their home. They know not what they do."

Question…

• Have you ever seen a labubu in real life???

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The staff at Immortal Wit have spent all year slaving away at these ideas to make sure you have the scariest and most pop culture savvy costume at your next Halloween party! (Okay it’s just and )

These costumes are so effective we must warn you that there may be side effects like:

• Receiving abnormally large amounts of candy

• Adults giving you family heirlooms from their houses

• Winning all the costume contests

• Frightening everyone into a severe fight/flight/freeze to the point you should dive out of the way after coming into visual contact with others

• Everyone you meet inviting you to their next Halloween party

• Promotions at your company party

• And so much more

So without further ado…

Here they are!

(DON’T LOOK IF YOU ARE SCARED OF REALLY COOL COSTUMES!!! 👻)

1. Life-Size Labubu - Need I say more???

   

2. Eggs - Carry a sports score board but put a dollar sign at the beginning and a decimal in the center. Then start increasing the number until homeowners can’t take it anymore. Tell them a large amount of candy could make you go away!

3. HOA Member/Banker - This is for two people. The first person (HOA) tells them the grass in their yard looks trampled and hands them a fine. The second person (banker) then asks for the money!

   

4. ChatGPT - You will need to carry a marker board to draw pictures and get their questions wrong. It will be hard but I bet you can do it.

5. College Professor - Shout, “YOU SLEPT THROUGH YOUR FINAL!!!”

6. Robodog - This is not actually a costume. It’s a real robot you can buy for $10,000!!! Send it to your neighbor who uses his leaf blower at 6 am. If he picks “trick” you could roast his… marshmallows. Definitely marshmallows.

7. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce - Dress up like you are going to go to a fancy restaurant or change your cars oil.

   

8. Tyrese Haliburton’s Achilles - Okay this might only scare compulsive sports betters and Hoosiers from my home state of Indiana. If you are in Oklahoma you could instead use a ref whistle. It will frighten them because Oklahomans have never heard one blown against them before.

   ---

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   ---

9. Sports Bookie - A claaaassic for your compulsive gambling friends. Also freaks out refs!

10. Datacenter or Battery Plant - Just get a cardboard box and yell, “YOU’RE ELECTRIC AND WATER BILLS DOUBLED!!!” Be sure to carry a pillow to catch those who faint!

Question…

• Which do you think is the best?

• Can you think of a better one?

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I’m hitting the streets again and asking mortals what they think of Taylor Swift’s newest album. It seems like it’s her most controversial one yet!

How do you feel about Taylor Swift’s new album?

“She went from band geek to popular kid to burnout in the time it took my daughter to be born and graduate high school.” -Tailor, Tailor

(reference 👇)

“I’m just glad I’ll live to hear the breakup album.” -Liv Lon G., Fortune Teller

“Soon she’ll be living in a trailer, smokin’ a pack with her husband, and talking about how popular they used to be.” -Nevaeh, Smoky the Bear’s Worst Nightmare

“Is that who’s married to my tight end in fantasy?” -Greg, Amateur Mime

“I like how relatable her music is.” -David, Letter Man

Her Response

In response to the fan backlash Taylor Swift released a statement:

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Question…

• What did you think of her album?

  ---

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Don't take my word for it though! My subscriber count has increased ♾️% since I began writing. I used to have 0 subscribers but with hard work I got 20 free subscribers. You can do it too if you keep asking your mom, your grandma, and bots!

I have a secret formula guaranteed to make anyone rich no matter how smart they are. In fact, if you are not smart, my secret formula works even better!!! It only costs $49.99 a class for an unknown amount of time.

Since I am so generous here are my secrets

(Shhhhhh!!! Don’t tell anyone!)

Secret #1

The Plan

1. Admit you are not smart and I am. Sorry! If you were smart you wouldn't be reading this. Right?

2. Chant this over and over:

   "A fool and his money are soon parted."

   "A fool and his money are soon parted."

   "A fool and his money are soon parted."

   Good! This phrase means fools (you) need to pay coaches (me) to be smarter which is perfectly normal.

3. You need to post on Substack Notes. I've noticed that it is impossible to grow on Notes if you don't post. Think about it!!!

4. Do not write if you are not already good. Take my classes first. Otherwise it's a waste of everybody's time.

5. Don't quit your day job. You need a steady stream of income to pay for courses.

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Secret #2

My Secret Triangle Scheme

I can tell you are a great student because you have made it this far.

Here…

is my secret.

I sell you classes.

You learn how to get rich and sell classes to others.

Every week I teach you and your new subscribers secrets to get rich. That means you and your subscribers will all pay and attend my classes.

Then they learn to sell classes to others and all of their subscribers attend all our classes. This cycle goes on and on forever until the entire world is rich!

(Notice the shape of the paragraph!🔼)

Congrats! You are the beginning of a worldwide movement!!!

Remember to use your writing expert™ powers as a force for positive change in the world. For instance, change your toilet to a solid gold Japanese toilet that opens the lid when you get near it! Change all of your poor friends for rich ones! Change your zip code to one that has tv shows named after it! Change your broken down car into a nice two seater helicopter! Change your free subscription at to a paid one!!!

Question…

• What are your tips to become a writing expert™?

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New articles again???

1Wednesdays 12:30 EST at lunch!

Check them out at immortalwit.com!

What’s next?

I hope to get to work on some paid subscriber perks plus some other things for the free subscribers. I’d tell you more but I don’t like giving my plans away until I’m sure I can deliver. Stay tuned!

Satire news with Immortal Wit! lol no politics. Subscribe to receive our articles in your inbox.

Subscribe now

If you liked this, checkout:

Support My Work!

Single Payment | Monthly or Yearly Payment | Crypto

Socials

Twitter | Reddit | immortalwit.com

If you liked this, please leave a like!