Years of bad posture have made you accustomed to thinking your body should be straight up with your neck above your shoulders but this is actually incorrect. The natural position is the exact same as when you were a fetus in your mother’s womb. Ideally your knees should be inches from your chin.

A common mistake is tilting your neck at 90 degrees from your spine so you can peer over the steering wheel. This is you fighting your body’s natural rest state. Instead you should be looking from between the gaps in your steering wheel. Some chiropractors have even recommended rigging an intricate set of mirrors so you can actually see the entire windshield and still maintain this perfect posture.

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Doctors also advise playing lullabies and buying trucks with large engines so that you can feel the rocking of the motor. The rocking simulates the movements felt in the womb. This places you in a relaxed state optimal for learning and brain performance. Perfect for long drives at night.

If you are in a hurry and need an adrenaline boost, doctors say that you could play Baby Shark on repeat until you have made it to your destination. Unfortunately repeated exposure to this has been known to cause brain damage according to the testimony of several moms.

Scientists also recommend rubbing your head and saying, “Wow! IT’S HUGE!” or “Have you gained weight?” Your body will instantly increase it’s adrenaline output for reasons that single male scientists are at a loss to explain. Pregnant scientists have postulated, “Do I really have to say why???”

Feel free to implement these trips into your next drive and let us know what you think. The scientific community has had an extremely hard time receiving feedback because all subjects inexplicably keep getting into car crashes.

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“HEY! HOW’S IT GOING?” Tyler said.

“Good.” Bob muttered. He was slightly confused by seeing Tyler so friendly. He was known for being extremely quiet.

“Good for him.” Bob thought. “He’s finally coming out of his shell.”

Something came out of Tyler alright. Something that violates the Geneva Convention.

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An aroma that could only be described as, “high school football pads” combined with “zombie BO” instantly assaulted Bob’s nostrils. Struggling to stand, Bob grasped the handicap rails. He wasn’t originally handicapped but now he was definitely disabled.

Coworkers called paramedics after Bob didn’t come out for over an hour. When they arrived, the paramedics went in to save him but were immediately incapacitated as well. Luckily coworkers had actually attended their HAZWOPER safety training for HAZardous Waste OPerations and Emergency Response and did not enter.

Eventually Bob and the paramedics were rescued but not without injury. They both experienced extreme amounts of brain loss but no one has actually noticed any difference in their job performance. They consider themselves lucky.

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“What can I say? I am just a lazy CEO! Anyone can do my job. All you have to do is tell everyone else what to do while you make millions. Just ask my wife Whats-Her-Face and my children. Man, if she was here she would remember their names.”

Bill said he was incapable of remembering his family’s names because they have not been very present in his life.

“Yeah, it’s a little disappointing. I thought they would talk to me more. When you come home at 2 am after a hard days work, you would expect them to come running to greet you but instead they are asleep. Very sad.”

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We asked him if he is the only other person in his office working.

“Yeah my secretary Tina came into work. She wasn’t happy because she has four children: Max, Angela, Cara, and Tina. Max normally has practice on Mondays but not today so she had to get a sitter but her usual one, Zoe, is celebrating that day so she had to go all the way to her 5th string backup sitter, Greg. Greg is so bad. You can barely get that kid to do anything and he is the one babysitting so she is not happy.”

“How do you know so much about her and not your own wife?”

“She spends a lot more time with me and tells me about her day. It’s sad. You marry a person but you can never know if they will change.”

“Do you think the change was you becoming CEO?”

“No that can’t be it. I asked my Board of Directors and they said I’m doing fine. 10% better than last quarter actually.”

“Well I’m sure they have a lot of interest in you and their bank accounts.”

“So true.”

That’s the end of our exclusive interview with Bill. I hope you learned a lot about him, What’s-Her-Face, his kids, Tina, Max, Angela, Cara, Tina, Greg and what it’s like to be a CEO on Memorial Day. Hope it was a good one.

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“I was in the middle of eating dog poop when I saw a guy eating a cheeseburger and I figured I’d try it. All I’ve had to eat my my whole life is poop and I didn’t want to be 80 hours old and regret not trying a cheeseburger.

So I hopped aboard a fly and landed on the burger. It smelled great. I was surprised anything could smell better than poop.

I took one bite of it and I could feel something was wrong. I could feel it lodged in my cytoplasm. Actually it’s still there! See? Why can’t I digest it?!?!”

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Unfortunately, after this interview Fece passed away. Autopsies reveal he had a Nucleoid failure from the Big Mac.

His family issued a statement warning the greater community of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 bacteria not to eat poisonous foods like McDonald’s and to stick to safer, unprocessed foods like dead stuff, stagnant pools of water, and people’s toothbrushes.

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• Have you had dinner yet?

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Here is my interview:

Thalia: Why would you live this far away from civilization???

Anjyla: It’s very hard but I wanted to live like the pioneers I saw in a Tiktok called “What type of pioneer are you?” I found out that I am the Nurturer. That means I need to make my own food which I love to do for Zander. It’s a lot of work and I don’t have enough time to post to social media and cook so I usually just go to Trader Joes in a milkmaid outfit.

Thalia: How did you guys meet?

Zander: I was y’know checking out the dating apps and I saw her profile. It slapped so I swiped right. Then she said she wanted to live in the wilderness and I told her there is this cool plot of land out in the middle of nowhere 5 minutes from my dad’s dealership. It’s got a super long driveway and you have to walk like twice as far to pick up your mail. She thought that was super cool so we had a party and pronounced each other BFF’s for life. I wore suspenders and she had this dress that looked like it was made from curtains. It was a totally legit pioneer wedding.

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Thalia: Do you have any animals on your farm?

Zander: Oh yeah! Of course! We were going to get a cow but the HOA wouldn’t allow it so instead we just got a bunch of orphaned puppies.

Thalia: What are you going to do when they become adults? I’m not sure you get how the farm life works. People usually raise animals as livestock or create some sort of food source. You guys did not think this through.

Zander: Uh, how do you think we only have puppies and you never see us with dogs??? You know the Incans raised gerbils as livestock so we figured these would be larger than gerbils…

Thalia: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??!?!?!?!?!??!?!

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• What traditional customs would you like to see brought back?

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Well, it turns out my intern, Mike Schuster, was not pulling a prank and in fact moved across the country for what I can only assume is to avoid writing two articles. He says it’s because he needs a job because I don’t pay him anything but my keen womanly intuition knows it’s most likely to get out of writing these last two weeks.

I would write the articles myself but I can’t because Dionysus is throwing an All Summer Ambrosia party that just so happens to land on Wednesdays (and the entire summer) so I am too busy.

I expect articles will resume two weeks from now once Mike stops tricking me! I did hire him for his wit so I guess that’s on me.

In fact, since I am such a nice person, Mike, if you write an article next time, I will double your pay.

Thanks!

Thalia

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• Would you leave an All Summer Ambrosia party to write an article?

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This is Thalia. We won’t have an article this week because Mike, my unpaid intern of two years, is pretending that he is moving across the country to Philadelphia.

I have to say he has really committed to the bit and even hired a moving company to make it look more realistic but I am on to him. This is something I would do to get out of work and you can’t trick a trickster.

Either way he seems really dedicated to getting out of this and I am a merciful goddess so I will give him a break. I will have to dock his pay by half though. That should put him at... (Let’s see $0/2 = $0.) $0 an hour. Good thing experience is invaluable.

Thanks for your understanding,

Thalia

P.S.

This is Mike. I actually am moving this month. Thalia is the goddess of jokers. I hope she isn’t joking about paying me someday!

P.P.S.

This is Thalia. I’ll pay him when tomorrow comes.

P.P.P.S

This is Mike again. Thalia never stops joking!!!

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• Should Mike get paid ever?

• Do you think he is actually moving?

• Do you think Philly people (Phillipians?) bite?

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“Hey bros! Uh, ok it seems the predictions that everyone needs to stop mining were a major bummer dudes. Like, mining is lit yo! We need these super cool rare earth minerals like yesterday for these insane batteries and data centers!!! #learnToMine #iLoveMiners #BlackLungDiversity ⛏️⛏️⛏️”

No way we could have seen AI would take all the programming jobs. Also, it’s impossible to know that everyone becoming a programmer at once would create an oversupply of workers which coincidentally lowers the wages we have to pay programmers homies. So if you all could like get your old pickaxes or whatever it is you use now and start mining that would be a real solid.

I always thought it was sus that miners should code because mining if you think about it, is basically real life Minecraft! Gen Z, my BFF’s, could you get on this because it’s been a minute and if you did it, we would have a crazy #badBoySummer. Like rare earths will get you real life points called dollars and that would absolutely slap!!!👊🤛🤜💯💯💯💵💵💵🔥🔥🔥🧨🧨🧨”

- Zuckerberg (X.com)

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Miners on X responded:

“That’s such a good idea!!! We all should become miners again!!! HEY EVERYONE!!! LET’S RUSH EN MASSE AND ALL FLOOD THE MINING JOBS!!! THIS COULDN’T POSSIBLY GO WRONG IN ANYWAY!!!”

- Anit Consepit

“THERE’S RARE EARTH IN DEM HILLS!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW!!!!”

- Yung Prospectur

“PICKAXES FOR SALE!!! WHO WANTS TO BUY A PICKAXE IN THE RARE EARTH RUSH!!!! COME GET EM!!!!”

- DeDeel Merrchand

“Dusting off my coonskin cap and putting on my old denims! Wait until I tell Agnes! This will probably give her the vapors!!!”

- Cornelius Prahspector

“I uh, uh, uh... guess I could build a robot army to do it. Expect it next year.”

- Elon Musk

“I also want to build a robot army.” - Sam Altman

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• Ready to go digging for rare earth???

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You may know him as…

The Kariakos Grizzly

Behold the perfect ratio! He is nature’s masterpiece! Men—weep because someone else has achieved perfection! Women—cry because every man who courts you falls short of this platonic ideal!

GAZE UPON PERFECTION AND DESPAIR!!!

INSTEAD THEY CHOSE THIS PERSON FOR ACHILLES?????

Elliot Page

The Grizzly was that size when he was two! He eats gyros larger than that! Even my tiny mortal intern is larger!

(Asst. Editor’s Note: Ouch! Easy Thalia!)

This is not the great Achilles!!! Achilles shin guard would cover Elliot’s entire body! (I would know. We dated in high school. He didn’t talk much and just made me watch him at sword practice all the time.)

Can Elliot Page do this???

This is a classic… ok I have no idea what it is, but it’s 795 lb (360 kg)!!!!

400 lb (195 kg) carried with 4 fingers on each hand!!!

JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME SON!!!! THAT’S THE SPLITS!!!!!!

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He weighs 400 lb!!!

He comes with a built in war horn!!!

IT’S THE BLOAT LORD!!!!

It’s not Elliot’s fault that the Kyriakos Grizzly is the ultimate being. He would have absolutely mogged any man, woman, child, god or skyscraper! Actually, someone should do a wellness check on the director Christopher Nolan! Has anyone seen him lately? What about Elliot Page??? 😮

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Thalia is on vacation right now so there will not be any new articles this week.

For her vacations she usually ventures down from Olympus into the mortal world to take a break from all the exhausting ambrosia drinking she has to do. Lounging every day and getting a perfect tan is very exhausting and so menial labor gives her the break she needs. Her favorite thing to do is to surprise the elderly by mowing their lawns or blowing their leaves before they wake up at 6 am. Isn’t that nice of her?

Here are some classic articles she thinks you will like.

Thanks,

, Unpaid Intern (2 Years)

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• Have you ever heard Thalia mowing in your neighborhood?

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The Mets started the game strong with their starting pitcher Janelle Monae who many say has been an absolute machine this year. The season is just getting started and she has already pitched 4 complete games. As a new pitcher some say she is still a little green but the Mets aren’t complaining

Pitching for the Yankees was Lisa, a new pitcher from Thailand. Already she is a lock for the gold glove. Her pickoff move is absurdly unpredictable since she can fake with one arm and throw out a runner with the other one. As far as pitching goes, they are loving her this year for her deception since batters have to deal with 3 different armslots that the ball can come from.

Heading into the 9th, the Mets were up 9 - 1. They took Lisa’s submarine curve and sidearm knuckler and broke it down like a Korean hearing Gangnam Style on the dance floor.

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In the 7th, the Yankees put in their stone cold closer Katy Perry. She really turned the corner this year thanks to her new face shield. She even wears it when she bats.

Her manager Anna Wintour said:

“Last year when you watched her, you never knew what you would get. I told her, ‘You don't really wanna stay, no. But you don't really wanna go-o. You're hot, then you're cold. You're yes, then you're no. You're in, then you're out. You're up, then you're down. You're wrong when it's right. It's black and it's white… How about some consistency???’”

Katy Perry locked down the last several innings despite some major billboard hits all homered at least 450 ft.

Then in the 9th, the Mets put in controversial pitcher Cardi B who was banned last year for using illegal substances… on other people. Right off the bat, (literally) she gave up 4 runs. Her coach, Merryl Streep, walked out to the mound to calm her down but it didn’t work. 5 runs later the game was over.

We asked Cardi B what the problem was:

“I BLEW OUT MY SHOULDER!!! ISN’T IT OBVIOUS??? I MEAN LOOK AT ME!!! I THINK I EVEN MESSED UP MY COLON!!!”

Mets fans weren’t buying it and she left the field with a chorus of boos. We asked her if the boos bothered her. She said, “I like it.”

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• When was the last time you saw a pitcher blow out their arm and colon at the same time?

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You.

have.

no.

idea.

I’m speaking of a man who has purposely hidden himself from our knowledge and has been working behind the scenes to destroy that one thing that we love most.

This.

is.

him.

Timmy

Timmy is so evil. He hates that one thing.

See???

That thing we like!!!

That thing that is so good!!!

That thing that could be the difference between life and death for you and me!!!

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If we don’t band together and stop him right now, his ideas will spread!!! Soon children and your loved ones will also hate that one thing!!!

It will be a cult of Timmys…

The only chance we have is to band together as an army of Anti-Timmys™! We will have to crush him like the raging fury of a mother bear!!! We will have to use everything at our disposal to make sure Timmy’s dangerous idea never sees the light of day and anyone who agrees with him IS ABSOLUTELY OBLITERATED!!!!!!! WE ARE REASON!!!!! WE ARE COMPASSION!!!!!! WE WILL NEVER LET THIS MANIAC HURT ANYONE!!!!!!!!!

If you want to be part of a lovable group of people that fight Timmy please buy a paid subscription to meet other individuals as kind as yourself. Thank you.

Peace and Love,

Thalia

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• Doesn’t Timmy seem like a pretty bad hombre?

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“Tim Ferriss is a liar!!! I just read The 4-Hour body and IT DOES NOT TELL YOU HOW TO GET A SIX PACK IN 4 HOURS!!! 💢💢💢💢😡😡😡😡😡😡

I was just about to clean my clothes on my rippling washboard abs and had to cancel it because I still weighed 300 lb!!!!!!!!!! 😡😤💢😠😠😠😠😠

I’m also going to have to change all my dating app settings and cancel the professional photographer I hired! THANKS “4” NOTHING TIM!!! YOU MADE ME SO ANGRY I JUST WOLFED DOWN 4 WENDYS 4 FOR 4’s AND 4 LOKOS!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! 🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃”

Many other angry Facebook users swarmed the post like bees surrounding a Big Gulp. Eventually it began trending across all social medias and ignited a feeding frenzy that would make a family of 12 at a Chinese buffet blush. Tim Ferris was forced to apologize.

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“I am deeply sorry for all the confusion surrounding The 4 Hour Body. It was never my intention to mislead anyone.

To make it up to anyone who feels they were deceived, I am going to offer to buy my book back. In fact I will hand you the money myself. All you have to do is scale the Eiger North Face mountain aka “The Murder Wall” and I will be happy to redeem your $20! I am absolutely jiggly with joy at the prospect of meeting all of you.

I’d also like to announce my new book: The 4 Second Apology: Handling PR Crisis’s With Class and Dignity.

Since you are so good at destroying scales at home I bet scaling this mountain will be easy. Don’t forget to book your tickets round trip! I’ll make sure everything is fit for your arrival. Hors d'oeuvres! I mean au revoir!!!”

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• Going for a refund?

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Snap City, USA — According to the Chiropractors Responsible for Acceptably Correct Kinesiology (CRACK), Scandinavian furniture is the OVERWHELMING choice that they would choose for their patients.

Chiropractors say the different angles that the furniture attacks the back with, confuses the spine and allows for more bone density.

“Scandinavian furniture approaches back health in a unique way by shaping it into ways found in nature. Sometimes it curves the back like you are an embryo. Other times it flattens it like you are sleeping in a rock cave. These intense pressures result in denser bones when over time your back fuses into a solid mass incapable of movement.”

Many doctors have even begun donating them to prisons citing that correctional facilities should correct “not just the violent offender but also their spine.” Many prisoners have even decided to turn their life around after receiving them, especially those in the supermax prisons.

“Since I am serving my 50th year of a 400 year life sentence I’ve gotten used to a certain type of furniture and these somehow are way worse than anything I’ve ever had. It made me realize I need to get my act together and rehabilitate myself! I’m hoping with good behavior I can shave 345 years off my sentence and finally get a good nights sleep. Can I help you out to your car, kind madam?”

Architects even love them.

“Prisoncore has been all the rage lately. Cracker Barrel, Starbucks, and Chipotle love these brutalist square shapes. It’s all inspired from Soviet era prisons which everyone thinks are the most beautiful buildings of all time.”

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I asked a chiropractor named Pops Bodi what he thought:

“I LOVE it when my patients use this furniture. Whenever I hear they bought one my heart and bank account swell with pride.”

“Would you ever buy one?”

“Me buy one??? Oh no my spine has already fused into a single piece so I’m good.”

Question…

• Do you want one?

Comment down below! 👇👇👇

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We asked several prominent Substackers what they thought:

“Substack is over. They said they didn’t add text centering because there were too many important features to add which means there must not be any important features left!!!”

- Skye S. Fulling

“Frankly it’s quite jarring. While I’m writing about making money via crypto arbitrage opportunities I will misclick and it ruins my flow state. Then it forces me to ask mommy for more milk and cookies until I regain composure.”

- Ehnef Tee

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“As a writer, I could kiss all the developers for finally adding this!!! Wait, are you going to publish what I just said?”

- Sed Wong Ting

The panic has caused Marc Andreeson from a16z to pretend they didn’t invest in Substack and give a statement to investors:

“First off I would like the investors of a16z to know that we were definitely kidding about investing in Substack. You know that right? We would never run out of ideas anyways. I mean, I’m the crypto guy! I told them we should have added something cryptoey like nft payments! NOT THAT WE INVESTED!!! It’s just Chris didn’t listen to me! I mean himself!!!

I uh, you see... the thing is… Sorry I’m a little out of breathe…

LOOK BEHIND YOU IT’S PETER THEIL!!!”

(It was at that point Marc leapt off stage and sprinted into a Waymo (self driving car). He tried to make a getaway but the car stopped to let a squirrel pass in front of it. The angry mob caught up to him and carried him away.)

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If the comment section is “paid subscribers only”, wait and I will unlock it. (Substack’s bug.)

If you liked this, please tap the like button!

We interviewed several people who have used them to see if this should be the #1 option for the future:

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Airport management said they are currently exploring a bidet/sink combo for men and women due to extreme pressure from the fairer sex. Initially many people were relieved at this announcement however airport management says it’s currently a #2 priority.

Question…

• Do these sinks stink or are you relieved?

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Designed for high speed road trips, it has a 60 gallon gas tank coupled with a 50 mpg hybrid engine. It also sports an extra large trunk that is so massive you could fit your friends inside it.

Preorders have already been filled, but one lucky person already got one… 2026 Heisman winner, Fernando Mendoza. Fernando’s special “Heisman Edition” contains memorabilia celebrating IU’s amazing runaway championship.

Adoring fans have been waiting outside Fernando’s house just to get a glimpse of his beautiful vehicle. In fact Fernando has had a huge problem with hordes of fans following him everywhere he drives! Things have gotten so out of hand that on a recent trip the paparazzi rented helicopters and broadcasted his location live!

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Street Talk

We asked several fans what they thought about his car:

“Man I just had to see it. I watched OJ on TV when I was a kid and he was so good at running. He was almost unstoppable. Almost.” - Barry Cade-Streit

“It looks so good it should be illegal.” - Loya Upp

“He drives it like he stole it!” - Pearl Oiner

Because of this Fernando has had to adapt his driving habits and even lawyered up. You may have heard of his super famous lawyer... Can you guess it? It’s Kardashian! Well, Kim Kardashian. She isn’t her dad Rob who originally got OJ out of a prison sentence. She also hasn’t technically passed the bar exam but once she does we are sure she will be just as good as her father.

As for Fernando, we asked him if he had any strategies for getting rid of fans:

“Oh yeah, I have tons of tactics. My favorite one is to drive over huge rocks. The Bronco is a killer offroader. I tell myself after I drive through a rocky passage, ‘If the car doesn’t fit then they must’a quit.’”

So…

• What do you think about the new Bronco?

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🚨If comments are paid only, just wait and I will open them to everyone. Substack doesn’t do it automatically. Sorry for the inconvenience.🚨

Big changes are coming our way! Thank you for sticking with me these last two months. A lot of good things have been happening to me in my personal life and on Immortal Wit. I’m glad I have such loyal fans.

During the time off, I did a lot of brain storming on how to make Immortal Wit profitable. Satire news without ads is a unique business that I am figuring out. It’s also very hard to grow on social media without talking about politics or rage baiting. Algorithms reward controversy and anger which I think is the opposite of what entertainment should be. It should be a fun and happy experience.

I hope you enjoy these new updates to Immortal Wit. I want to provide the best entertainment, variety and perks for you… without politics, of course. ⚡⚡⚡

May the fun never end,

and

⚡ New Changes Coming to Immortal Wit!!! ⚡

Articles Every Other Week

This should result in multiple benefits:

• High Quality - I can’t keep up with a weekly pace and in the past it has hurt the quality of my writing. This will give me more time to ensure every post is ⚡⚡⚡!!!

• Surprise Weeks - Every week I don’t write an article will be a Surprise Week. Sometimes you will get something that week. Sometimes I will be busy working on a secret project for later on. It will allow for flexibility in what I do.

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Paid Subscriber Perks

Perks are about to ⚡⚡⚡!!!

• Article Previews - Paid subscribers will get to view articles a week in advance!

• Private Chat - Chat is now private and for paid subscribers only. Outsiders will not be able to see what we post. I will experiment with different ways to make the chat fun.

• Loyal Paid Subscribers Pay $0 - Yup! You heard me right! People who support me at the beginning will be rewarded big time. They will earn a free Lifetime Paid Subscriber Pass every time we pass a major milestone. It will work like this pattern:

  • At 12 Paid Subscribers, the oldest 2 get a Free Lifetime Pass!!!

  • At 120 Paid Subscribers, the oldest 20 get a Free Lifetime Pass!!!

  • At 1,200 Paid Subscribers, the oldest 200 get a Free Lifetime Pass!!!

  • At 12,000 Paid Subscribers, the oldest 2,000 get a Free Lifetime Pass!!!

• The $2/Month Sale is Ending - On March 31st, I will raise the price of paid subscriptions to $3/month. I don’t think I will ever set it at $2/month again. Honestly, I barely made any money off it after fees. I also don’t plan on having any sales in the future. I don’t think they are fair to people who bought a subscription at a higher price. I would suggest buying a Paid Pass now and lock in the lifetime $2/month. Who knows? Later on you might get a Free Lifetime Pass…

The Immortal Wit Shop

The Immortal Wit Shop is being paused for the moment. I am going to make sure everything is high quality and done well. Stay tuned for updates.

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Question…

Is there anything else you want from Immortal Wit? Any cool ideas you think might be fun? Post them down below!!!

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Thank you for waiting these two months. I really appreciate it. Here’s what’s happening. I have a surprise and some good news.

The surprise is paid subscribers have probably noticed something in their inbox today! Thanks for your support! Without you, I couldn’t do this.

The good news is that next week I will for sure begin releasing articles again! I will also reveal my plan for Immortal Wit going forward. I needed an extra week because I am doing some quality testing…

Thank you for all your support. It means a lot. Looking forward to next week!

Thanks,

and

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We asked workers at Substack what they thought:

“We thought people would like this new feature where we give away free money but apparently we were wrong. Very wrong.” — Chris Best, CEO/Founder

“I don’t get it either. The bitcoin logo is a classic!” — Mills Baker, Head of Design

“I told Chris we should have given away kiwis. Everyone loves kiwis.” — Hamish McKenzie/2nd Founder (From New Zealand)

Jairaj Sethi, the secret third founder, could not be found for comment.

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Then we asked Substack users:

“First they introduced Notes, then video, and now they give everyone $75,000 of bitcoin? How am I supposed to make a living as a writer with that??” — Connie Fjoosd

“I think Substack doesn’t care about writers. They just assume we are fine because we are stunning to look at and could charm the fur off a fox. But we aren’t all like that! We can’t all be satire writers!!!” — Tso Tru

“It all went downhill when they created Notes. I’m going to tell everyone on Notes how angry I am!!!” — E.S. O’Taric

“No one wants bitcoin! We want a real digital currency like Thalia Bucks! With Thalia Bucks, every transaction buys a kid a sandwich, melts fat, and gives you a pep that makes you feel 18 again!” — (Name Withheld)

Update: The streets of San Francisco are now flooded with angry Substackers who have clogged traffic with their new hot rods.

Update 2: Substack HQ dispersed the angry mob when Ben Cohen showed them they can center text now.

Question…

• What should Substack do next?

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