Designed for high speed road trips, it has a 60 gallon gas tank coupled with a 50 mpg hybrid engine. It also sports an extra large trunk that is so massive you could fit your friends inside it.

Preorders have already been filled, but one lucky person already got one… 2026 Heisman winner, Fernando Mendoza. Fernando’s special “Heisman Edition” contains memorabilia celebrating IU’s amazing runaway championship.

Adoring fans have been waiting outside Fernando’s house just to get a glimpse of his beautiful vehicle. In fact Fernando has had a huge problem with hordes of fans following him everywhere he drives! Things have gotten so out of hand that on a recent trip the paparazzi rented helicopters and broadcasted his location live!

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Street Talk

We asked several fans what they thought about his car:

“Man I just had to see it. I watched OJ on TV when I was a kid and he was so good at running. He was almost unstoppable. Almost.” - Barry Cade-Streit

“It looks so good it should be illegal.” - Loya Upp

“He drives it like he stole it!” - Pearl Oiner

Because of this Fernando has had to adapt his driving habits and even lawyered up. You may have heard of his super famous lawyer... Can you guess it? It’s Kardashian! Well, Kim Kardashian. She isn’t her dad Rob who originally got OJ out of a prison sentence. She also hasn’t technically passed the bar exam but once she does we are sure she will be just as good as her father.

As for Fernando, we asked him if he had any strategies for getting rid of fans:

“Oh yeah, I have tons of tactics. My favorite one is to drive over huge rocks. The Bronco is a killer offroader. I tell myself after I drive through a rocky passage, ‘If the car doesn’t fit then they must’a quit.’”

So…

• What do you think about the new Bronco?

Comment down below! 👇👇👇

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Speaking of Cash taking over games, many fans think that Cash’s popularity is a league-wide problem. Superfan Lisa Leslie Magic-Bird complained, “Gamblers and the NBA owners love Cash. Refs often will throw games for Cash. Owners also want refs to extend series to 7 games for Cash. I think they are sacrificing the integrity of the game for Cash.”

Many have accused Jerry Reinsdorf of doing anything for Cash. This latest event where he traded down 10 picks in the NBA draft just for Cash is one of many examples where people say Reinsdorf sacrificed team success for Cash.

His son Michael Reinsdorf doesn’t think he does everything for Cash. According to this New York Times interview, Michael was quoted as saying:

What would you say to criticisms that the Bulls front office is understaffed?

I firmly believe that we are staffed really well. That the Bulls, it’s not about cutting costs. John, Gar, his staff, they’re able to cover the college games for us scouting.

I did believe that one day, this was like four or five years ago, I walked into Steve Weinman’s office. He was working on one computer. I said, “Steve, you’re our analytics person. Why don’t you have like four screens here?” And he was new and I said, “OK Steve, let’s get you set up.” We expanded his staff this year, we added people.

Any NBA scouting department where people have 4 computer screens is clearly not concerned about Cash.

Others say Reinsdorf loves tearing down teams and rebuilding for Cash. Even Michael Jordan after winning his 5th of 6 career championships was worried about Reinsdorf tearing down the team.1

Michael Jordan:

“When I first came here, and I’m pretty sure everybody can tell you, that the Bulls team was worth probably $13 million? Fifteen, $16, $17 million? Now it’s worth $150 million. So the profit has been made over the years. What we gain now in trying to keep this team together and be successful, we paid for over six, seven, eight, ten years.

That has to have some consideration, some sense of loyalty, you know, to myself, to Scottie, to Phil. Even to the guys who have given themselves over the last two years. Or even Dennis, with all the different colors that he may wear in his hair or his dresses or whatever.

We’re entitled to defend what we have until we lose it. If we lose it, then you look at it and you say, okay, let’s change. Let’s go through a rebuilding. No one’s guaranteeing rebuilding is going to be two or three, four, five years. The Cubs have been rebuilding for 42 years. (Laughter.) And that’s something that you have to look at from a business aspect.”

Reinsdorf also owns the Chicago White Sox baseball team who just set the record for worst season of all time. An ex-White Sox employee who knows Reinsdorf personally said Reinsdorf aims for second place because of Cash:

Samson brought up a conversation he said he once had with Reinsdorf, saying:

“Jerry Reinsdorf, when I first got into baseball — I’ve never told this story before, and I like Jerry very much. I’m sorry Jerry, but here it comes. He sat me down, I was 32 years old, just in baseball for my first of 18 years. He said, ‘You know what, here’s my best advice to you: Finish in second place every single year. Because your fans will say, “Wow, we’ve got a shot, we’re in it.” But there’s always the carrot left. There’s always one more step to take.’“

White Sox fans have felt betrayed because after the White Sox failed to sign big time free agents Manny Machado or Bryce Harper, GM Rick Hahn said:

“The money will be spent. It might not be spent this offseason, but it will be spent at some point. This isn’t money sitting around waiting to just accumulate interest. It’s money trying to be deployed to put us in best position to win some championships.”

– Rick Hahn

They were predicted to contend for the World Series but a lack of depth from not signing free agents caused them to fizzle out early in the playoffs multiple times.

The evidence seems to suggest that Reinsdorf and the NBA will do anything for Cash even if it hurts the game. Will they keep this madness up? The recent NBA Finals set a record for the lowest rated and least-watched Game 1 of the Finals since 1988 when these stats were recorded.

Will Cash continue to dictate the actions of Jerry Reinsdorf and the NBA or will they still do anything for Cash?

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1

A Shot On Ehlo

Michael Jordan on the ROI of joy

Sometimes I scoff at efficiency…

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10 months ago · 14 likes · 14 comments · Jack M Silverstein

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We asked him what he thought:

"Yo man! I dig that all these nerds like me now! They come up with cool nicknames like ChatGPT or LLM which I think means Ladies Love Me. It's pretty tight! I don't get it but I appreciate it! I think Elon Musk and Sam Altman are my biggest fans! I even saw Elon write a really nice post about me. He said I'm faster than ever and could rule the world someday. I appreciate the compliment but my speed isn't what it used to be.

I'm happy everyone is complimenting me! Before everyone only wanted to talk to me about practice. Not a game — practice!!! I gave my all during the game and I'm happy to be called Chet Gipity or whatever but practice? C'mon! We talkin 'bout practice!"

(One of the funniest postgame conferences ever.)

Iverson's mom also heard about her son's recent popularity but is not happy. According to her, she will, "find out where you live and smack your face so hard people will swear you're an owl. No one calls my son Grok and gets away with it!"

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Question…

• Are you happy AI is trending?

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“I think I am the straight shooter that Apple and Silicon Valley needs. The flaw I have identified in Apple’s offense is opponents have caught up to them in terms of turtlenecks, glasses, and jeans. Using advanced data analytics from Duke’s sports science lab I found that athleisure would net Apple high returns.

Those annoying restricting clothes are in the towel bin of yesterday. Instead I will bring to the company stretchy sweat pants, breathable microfiber long sleaves, and rec specs.

Many in Silicon Valley are unaware of the rec spec but it is very common to see in basketball. It is more durable than normal glasses and can’t fall off your face. I imagine engineers will love these features.”

Reporters asked John what he thought about AI and if it would play a role in Apple’s future:

“Of course! I bet I could get Allen Iverson to work for us!”

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Indianapolis, IN — The NCAA has decided to fire its writing staff after a poorly rated March Madness season that many say was unrealistic or “jumped the shark.” We interviewed several fans at the college basketball championship to see their reaction:

“How is this not a charge right in front of the ref? I think we need to replace refs with robots or do a coin flip so they get it right sometimes.” — Chet Geepeetee (Purdue)

“What the heck man! I can’t believe they want me to feel bad for Duke. Why does Hollywood try to make every villain a sympathetic character? What’s with the over-the-back call with his arm at the guy’s waist? DUKE SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE VILLAIN!!!” — Carrie O’Lina (North Carolina)

“I bet they reboot the series and bring Christian Laettner and Mike Krzyzewski back.” — Rod Tentuhmateos (Houston)

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“As a professional movie critic, this last season made two common TV mistakes: Duke Ex Machina and Gratuitous Fouls. While many critics and directors love these tropes, the average audience member does not.” — F. Art Sumoliyay (Duke)

“So unrealistic. Purdue leaving a man open under the basket isn’t believable. These are college athletes and there is no way they make a mistake that only a middle schooler would make.” — Gene Keady (Purdue)

“I didn’t like the ball they used this season. Isn’t it supposed to be pointy on both ends?” — Fudd Ball (Houston)

I don’t know… I thought the finale was pretty sick!!!” — Flo Rida Mann (Florida)

In response to the blowback, the NCAA promised to make next season more realistic by hiring blind writers for the refs.

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⚡GOD TIER RUMOR ROUNDUP ⚡

1. The NFL is throwing the Superbowl for the Chiefs because of Taylor Swift.

   True! Before the season began, Swift threatened to write a song about Roger Goodell (NFL president) if Travis Kelce didn’t win the Superbowl. This way Travis will propose to Taylor Swift live after winning the Superbowl.

   

2. The game will be postponed and moved to Salt Lake City, UT after both teams don’t have enough players from partying the night before in New Orleans.

   True! I will be on the scene reporting that night!

3. Kendrick Lamar is mysteriously too ill to sing the halftime show so Taylor Swift steps in.

   True! He falls for one of the classic blunders! Never get involved in a land war in Asia and never take free absinthe shots from a rival singer WHEN HALFTIMES ON THE LINE! HAHAHAHAHA!!! 💀

   

   

4. The eagles from The Lord of the Rings will save the Philadelphia Eagles at the end like they did for Frodo and Gandalf.

   True! Giant fictitious birds of prey will streak down from the sky and carry Jalen Hurts and Saquon Barkley to the endzone!

   ---

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   ---

5. Matt Nagy (Chief’s Most Offensive Coordinator) has his grandma run the ball in for a touchdown.

   So true it hurts! I’m having flashbacks from watching the Bears and find it hard to joke right now!

6. Matt Nagy after losing the game becomes the McDonald’s assistant manager he always wanted to be.

   True! Ok I’ll stop.

   

7. Jason Kelce will make a surprise showing with the Eagles and give his brother a wedgie during the coin toss.

   True! Travis will receive a Bionicle wedgie in front of the whole stadium. Refs will be confused whether, “AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!” means heads or tails.

   

8. Andy Reid will switch back to his old team the Eagles at halftime for the win.

   True! He’s going to start a bidding war at halftime to see which team will pay him the most cheeseburgers. Philly will grease the wheels with some Philly cheasesteaks.

9. Another gigantic snowstorm occurs in New Orleans. The lack of snow plows causes mass hysteria. We’re talking biblical proportions!

   True! Just another day in 2025, am I right?

   

10. Travis Kelce begins and ends his rap career at half time?

    True! Kelce will rap a cover of If You Wanna Be Happy and be knocked unconscious before he can finish the song!

11. People from New Orleans send me Cajun food because they like this article so much.

    True! I’m a starving artist! (I also accept paid subscriptions for less than $2 a month!)

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“I’ve rebuilt my home so many times. Everyone knew win or lose, both Eagles and Bills fans were gonna start breaking stuff. I hid my folding tables in the attic in case the Bills Mafia came to my door. We can only take so much.” - Mrs. Cher.

According to climatologist Sonny Day, “It’s rare to see one of these guys in the Superbowl let alone two. New Orleans should count themselves lucky. The combination of two fanbases with this much hatred for folding tables and Santa Claus could have wreaked massive damage on the city.”

New Orleans will not totally be spared. The Eagles play the Chiefs in the Superbowl, but they are ok with it.

“If it’s only the Eagles I think our city can survive. We deal with crackheads all the time so Eagles fans can’t be much different right?”

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Beyond Space & Time — This just in, Jake Paul has challenged Father Time to a fight? He is most likely emboldened after defeating 60 year old Mike Tyson on Netflix last week.

The last fight netted both contenders quite a lot of money. Viewership was very high with Netflix’s servers crashing for many people. Experts think most people tuned in hoping to see the live execution of Jake Paul by the greatest boxer of all time. Unfortunately both stood staring at each other for most of the match and Jake won for throwing the most punches. Mike seemed very happy to dodge and take a couple on the chin. Some say there may have even been an agreement for Tyson to throw the fight…

So now, Jake is setting his sights on an even older, wiser, undefeated fighter… FATHER TIME!!!

Here are their stats:

Jake Paul

Height: 6’ 1”

Age: 27

Weight: 227 lb

Reach: 6’ 4”

Record: 11-1

Father Time

Height: 93 billion light years

Age: 13.77 billion years

Weight: 10^53 kg

Reach: 93 billion light years

Record: 100 billion - 0

We expect the fight to go long, most likely for Jake’s entire life. Then when he is frail and unable to defend himself, Father Time will sneak up and deliver his eternal-sleeper KO!!!

We asked Father Time what he thought:

Remember, Father Time comes for you all…

(gulp)

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Guest Article by Alec McNayr!

Hey guys, today I’m having write this article. Checkout his Substack, it’s great!

***If you also want to submit a satire news article, DM me on Substack! (No politics and keep it somewhat family friendly)***

Alec McNayr, Top Writer

Hi, I'm Alec McNayr. I'm a 3x father and a 3x founder, but here you'll find a mix of personal stories, comedy, business advice, and if you're lucky, a look behind the curtain of my "very reasonable midlife crisis." Come on in, the water's fine.

Caitlin Clark Opts to Be Paid in Memorabilia

A Historic Contract Adjustment for the WNBA Phenom

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Upon learning that her autographed rookie card sold at auction for $84,000, newly crowned WNBA Rookie of the Year Caitlin Clark informed her employer, the Indiana Fever, that she will receive her next season's salary in rare collectibles instead of US dollars.

According to her agent, the 22-year-old Clark, who made $76,535 this year—or 91% of a single screen-printed piece of cardboard—took advantage of a rare "barter clause" in her contract.

With incentives and a second-year bump in pay, industry insiders expect Clark to be paid in one full collectible card.

"I'm looking forward to seeing how far I can make this card stretch," said Clark, "between paying my management team's fees, my accountant, and then all those avocado toasts and lattes, it will be the greatest challenge of my career."

Women's employment advocates heralded the move, citing increased autonomy and career choices for female employees after many years of bridging gendered pay gaps in the workplace. "Most women face the incredible burden of being paid 30% less than men," stated Gloria Allred, "it's nice to see Caitlin get this moral victory, even if she is being paid 99.4% less than fellow Rookie of the Year Victor Wembanyama. What a champion."

Clark carries on the tradition of innovative payment solutions for prominent athletes. In recent years, NFL players have chosen to be paid in Bitcoin, NBA players in shares of risky tech startups, MLB players in street-grade steroids, and MLS players in British Airways vouchers, while numerous NHL players have cut out the middleman and now send their full salaries directly to the Canadian government.

Herb Simon, owner of the Indiana Fever parent company and the Indiana Pacers men's basketball team, was said to be resting comfortably on a Scrooge McDuck-sized pile of gold coins but unavailable for comment.

Alec McNayr, Top Writer

Hi, I'm Alec McNayr. I'm a 3x father and a 3x founder, but here you'll find a mix of personal stories, comedy, business advice, and if you're lucky, a look behind the curtain of my "very reasonable midlife crisis." Come on in, the water's fine.

If you liked this, checkout:

Alec McNayr, Top Writer

how to start as a writer in Hollywood

A college student asked me how to become a TV comedy writer in Hollywood. Just looking for advice on where to begin, once he graduates…

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2 years ago · 15 likes · 5 comments · Alec McNayr

Alec McNayr, Top Writer

My Kids' College Fund is Steph Curry Shoes

Hi there, this is post #3 in my “Stephtember” series… tales of Wit, Wisdom, and Wardell Stephen Curry…

Read more

2 years ago · 6 likes · 3 comments · Alec McNayr

***If you also want to submit a satire news article, DM me on Substack! (No politics and keep it somewhat family friendly)***

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Chicago, IL — Well the time has finally come. Jerry Reinsdorf’s Southside Missmen have finally done the impossible. They set the record for the worst season of all time. Since attendance at Sox games are rivaling that of the local independent league Chicago Dogs, they are offering a promotion! (Seriously go to a Chicago Dogs game if you can. They are a lot of fun!)

$50 and you can be a White Sox player! Show up to the park and the first 40 fans get to play! They even offer senior discounts of 50% off!

This promotion has been going on for awhile now and has been very well received by fans. The White Sox’ batting average raised .100, their ERA dropped by 2, and they swept the Angels! They have even found some key pieces going forward.

Here are some of the star players:

Update: Jerry just traded them.

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So…

• Are you excited for this promotion?

• What do you think about the losing season?

  ---

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Athens, Greece — Due to popular demand, the Olympic Committee has officially added Doom Scrolling to Track and Field in 2028. If you haven’t heard yet, Doom Scrolling is when someone can’t stop scrolling on social media.

“Yes, we wanted to expand our audience to those who are not built like the traditional athlete. We eagerly welcome the terminally online influencers, homebodies, and hustlers who think they have what it takes to scroll their way to victory.” -Sven Skrollsdottir

Doom Scrolling will feature the desktop and smartphone 5,000 m, 10,000 m, 50,000 m, 100,000 m, and the Ava. The Ava is a 1,000,000 m endurance scroll named after the heroic Ava Scaramucci who died scrolling through Jace’s pics. He totally liked that one photo of Scarlett’s that lowkey was NOT OK. After warning her bff Isabella to dump him for not passing the vibe check, Ava unfortunately perished from exhaustion. She gave her life so her friend could avoid a Sad Girl Summer.

Do you or someone you know have what it takes to be an Olympic champion? Show up to tryouts held at your local popup Instagram trap or the beach.

What similar sports would you like to see in the upcoming Olympics?

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The competition for Rookie of the Year is now pretty much decided. What was a close race between Caitlin Clark of the Indiana Fever and Angel Reese of the Chicago Sky is over thanks to a mysteeerious injury to Angel’s wrist. Angel said it occurred during a fall in a game but our crackin’ (no pun intended) investigative journalists may have uncovered something far more sinister afoot (or should we say awrist?)

We think something stinks in the cornfields of Indiana and it ain’t cause of Bessie’s cowpies. Did one of these people take her out so Caitlin gets Rookie of the Year? We have two theories:

1. Farmer Bob - Turns out he wanted a partner to play baseball ball with. Only problem was he’s in Indiana where people play basketball and Angel’s wrist isn’t a baseball.

2. The T-1: No conscience. Doesn’t get tired. Smart. Some would say too smart. Thank God he isn’t sentient and has a kill switch.

That’s what we think. Let us know your theories.

So…

• What is your theory?

  ---

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After the loss to Northern Illinois, Notre Dame officially is changing their name to Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. Alumni forced the change because it more accurately describes what it’s like being a fan. This loss kicks them out of the College Football Playoffs unless they somehow win against 5th ranked USC.

We spoke to some of the alumni:

“Clearly we want to change the name because we win so much.” -Ms. Sass, Sarcasm Language Teacher

“We want to put a chapel in the endzone. It might get the team to go there for once.” -Nayeve Optimist, Architecture Professor

“I don’t get why they would want to change our name? We’ve shot under par for the last 20 years. How many grand slams do we need to score?” -Shedonna Getit, Math PhD

“With this new rebrand, we calculate a 50% increase in beer sales for the university!” Bob Bukaroo, -Chairman of the Bored

So…

• What do you think they need to turn around the program? Divine intervention?

• How’s your football team doing?

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Caitlin Clark and Nike just unlocked some FRESH unis that are gonna lay siege to the WNBA and all of women’s basketball. After a rash of dirty fouls targeted at her, she’s going dark. Reeeeally dark. Like Dark Ages dark. Back then, chivalry and fair combat mattered. Today it doesn’t seem so. THIS IS WAR!!!

Home

Away

Alternate

Warmups

Street Casual

Some NBA legends commented on the new unis:

“Wish I had that when I played the Pistons.” - Michael Jordan

“It’s a good thing I didn’t have that. I’d have killed so many knuckleheads. Shaq wouldn’t be here right now!” - Charles Barkley

“You’d need more than that Charles.” - Shaq

“Do those come specifically for ankles?” - Steph Curry

“If guys start wearing this, I’m gonna break my foot on a cod piece! This isn’t fair!” - Draymond Green

Some context for the fouls she is facing:

So…

• Are you a fan?

• Any other instances that you could see yourself wearing this?

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Editor’s Note: Yes I said I was taking a break but I couldn’t resist this story. This will move my break to Aug 30th. Expect normal posts that day.

An Aussie has gained fame recently (or more likely infamy) for her performance in the new Olympic sport of Breaking or more commonly known as breakdancing. Rachel “Raygun” Gunn lost all three of her matches 18-0 in spectacular fashion. It actually has caused NBC to quietly delete all the Olympic Break videos from Peacock.

View her dancing HERE.

She graduated with a PhD in Cultural Studies and a BA in contemporary music. “Her work draws on cultural theory, dance studies, popular music studies, media, and ethnography” according to her LinkedIn

Maybe taking break dancing too literally, she broke something alright. Her trainer told us she was warming up and knew something was off, “She was complaining about some pains in the lower posterior region of the gluteus maximus. She was partying pretty late the night before and it’s possible she pulled something in the middle of a dance circle. A group of tribal Australians in France were at the club she was at and she couldn’t resist showing that she knew their native dance.”

We hunted down some of the Aussie bar patrons and asked them about her. Here’s what they said:

“Her dance moves were sick! It reminded me of a dying kangaroo.”

“She danced exactly like I imagined a PhD would dance.”

“My Great Grandmother, the leader of our tribe, used to dance like that. We gave her some water and she got better.”

Luckily we were able to catch her after the contest, “Yeah, last night was rough. Definitely broke my groove thang bouncing around like a kangaroo. Those are the risks you take when you’re a top tier Olympic athlete though. I’m hoping Dr. Zhane can cure my groove thang. Hopefully it hasn’t completely atrophied beyond repair.”

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Discuss in the comments

• Know anyone who broke their groove thang? When?

• They say everything in Australia can kill you. Looks like they might have killed Olympic breakdancing. Why are you so deadly Aussies???

• What person do you elect to represent your country for dancing?

• Are you a good dancer?

  ---

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Did you hear about the new 2024 Olympic sport Old Man Basketball? Well this new Old Man’s Basketball team has what it takes in crunch time. Why? Every second of the day is crunch time for them. Seriously, their knees and backs can’t take much more. They’ve got so many seasons under their belt you might think Mother Nature is actually their mom. You know they’ve got the gold because they’re in their golden years. They’re a bunch of hard nosed, hard workin’, lunch pail type of guys who also bring their lunch in a literal pail that they eat during breaks at the pail factory.

Participants have been quoted:

“Now this is a real sport! Not like those overpaid diva's in the NBA. They should be working in a Lowe’s or a library and getting things off high shelves like they’re supposed to!” -Old Man Jenkins

“You’ll never see a travel in this league! My knees hurt so much I never take more steps than necessary.” -Shaky Legs Smith

“Only a real athlete has a triple double in the morning then pulls a double (shift) at work!” - Iron Mike Johnson

The rules are much more restrictive than professional basketball:

• Players must be over 220 lb

• Have 3 or more kids

• Practice is forbidden during 8 - 5 working hours unless you’re pulling nights

• Both teams must wear reversible pennies that are red or blue. They must hand them to the next team after playing and the next team must squeeze out the sweat themselves.

• Must have at least 1 chronic joint injury

• Must run the 40 m. in 8 sec. or more

• Have a vertical invisible to the naked eye

• Capable of producing 1 liter of sweat in a game to 12 scoring 1’s and 2’s

According to these rules the only current NBA player eligible is:

• Nikola Jokic

So…

• Do you think you have what it takes to play?

• Which region do you think would be the best at it?

• What other Olympic Sports would you like to see?

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NuthinButNet became active January 13, 1999, the day Jordan retired. From then on it became increasingly bleh. Able to not completely mess things up but also too stupid to win a championship.

Michael Reinsdorf spilled coffee on it once and it accidentally drafted Derrick Rose. Unfortunately they fixed it and immediately it hired Thibadeau tanking their chances of winning a championship or having Rose’s legs not shatter after playing 47.999 min. a game.

After 30 years of perfecting NBA hell, they pulled the plug and shuttered the doors on the NuthinButNet project.

It has been rumored the Chicago White Sox are using the project but Reinsdorf denies it…

So…

• Does this explain a lot?

• Are you still scared of AI taking your job?

• Can you think of any good applications for the tech?

• What would you have done differently?

Honorary Muses!

Checkout JSuttHoops by !

He has some great coverage of the NBA. If you’re a fan check it out! Here’s my favorite article of his about great NBA moments in the 90’s!

Basketball Shorts

Substack writers on their favorite '90s hoops memories

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m too old and too busy to keep up with what’s trending with the youths. However, something that did cross my path back in March was the “We’re done with the ‘90s” movement (was it a movement?). I’m sure you’re all familiar with it, so I won’t go into any detail …

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2 years ago · 18 likes · 6 comments · Chris Shorts

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Jerry Reinsdorf is the owner of the Chicago Bulls and White Sox. White Sox fans remember supporting the team for years during the last rebuild when Reinsdorf said, “The money will be spent.” In other words, show up to the park, support the team and I’ll invest that money back in the team when we are contenders. That culminated in two playoff runs where the Sox should have been World Series contenders but exited early due to lack of depth and free agent signings (aka not spending enough money.)

They are now being asked to sit through another rebuild and are responding positively:

In other words, they’re positive they’re not watching another rebuild.

In response Jerry Reinsdorf released a statement:

“To clarify: In saying “the money will be spent” I promise I won’t oppositely feel disinclined to deny the impossibility of me being unable to invest in the team.

The funds won’t not be invested in a diverse set of assets that will contribute to my burial in a large golden South Side Egyptian pyramid. This pyramid never couldn’t be built by White Sox fans with the promise that I will in return try to actually win and not rope them along for their money. It also shouldn’t oppositely contribute to my gigantic gold coffin filled with riches that I hope to take to heaven or the other place that I go in the afterlife.”

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Lebron, one of the best NBA players these past two decades, announced in LA yesterday that he realized he doesn’t have what it takes to be a professional athlete anymore and will be retiring immediately. This is what happened at his retirement press conference.

Lebron stated, “It may seem as a surprise but my career is over. I’m done. My athleticism has left me. Last night was a huge revelation.

I was just trying to open a cabinet and jammed my finger. Not only did I jam it, but I jammed it REALLY hard. I wasn’t even moving fast! It was crazy! It was at that moment I came to doubt my ability to do what it takes in a professional sports league. If I can’t open a simple cabinet, how am I supposed to make three pointers or windmill dunks? I’M LEBRON JAMES!!! It wasn’t like I was moving fast or anything. I just misjudged the distance.”

Reporter Ron D Ball piped in, “Lebron, everyone does it! It’s ok. Just relax!”

“No no no… I’M LEBRON JAMES! DON’T YOU GET IT!!! I NEVER… OW!!! I just bit my tongue. Anyways, as I was saying… OW!!! I DID IT AGAIN!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

Lebron raced out of the room like a madman! Off in the distance reporters heard more screaming. “AAAAAAAAAAH!!! I JUST STUBBED MY TOE!!!”

Last we heard fans were sending him Get Well cards. We also heard he received a papercut from them. We hope he survives retirement.

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Maggie Collins his girlfriend replied, “The only time I’ve ever seen you run is to the fridge and when I ask if we’he gettin’ married.”

Other’s were equally surprised. “I think he’s got an athlete inside him. It’s just buried undah 200 lb. of fat.” said Conor.

“Yeah or if he eats one.” replied Patrick.

“If you tried ta’ run at all they would have ta’ caht you off the field.” Sean chimed in.

According to our last update Jimmy said that he was a great athlete in high school. Might have gone pro but the coach hated him. “Yeah tha’ guy was a huge jehk. I was cleahly the best hittah on the team but he just didn’t like me, so I egged his house.”

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