“We expect a 92% probability that after your dad eats Aunt Barb’s baked beans that an iridescent glow will cover your living room and the atmosphere. This rainbow hue is thanks to your Dad’s abuse of his stomach over the years and the fact that no one can resist Aunt Barb’s baked beans. I mean seriously. They are amazing. It’s hard not to get back up for thirds.” - Dr. Tel Ascoap

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Scientists also say that if you miss that light show, you may get a second chance soon after.

“See, when your dad goes to the buffet line your uncle always follows him. Your uncle always takes too much and leaves nothing for anyone else. We think this has a high likelihood of actually producing more rainbow hues than the previous occurrence thanks to the increased volume of beans in his gullet. ” - Ren Bo Hughes

Scientists warn that prolonged exposure to these specific Northern lights can cause lightheadedness, nausea, and lack of appetite so be sure to open a window.

Happy Thanksgiving from Immortal Wit!!!

Question…

• Are you going to join the show???

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The staff at Immortal Wit have spent all year slaving away at these ideas to make sure you have the scariest and most pop culture savvy costume at your next Halloween party! (Okay it’s just and )

These costumes are so effective we must warn you that there may be side effects like:

• Receiving abnormally large amounts of candy

• Adults giving you family heirlooms from their houses

• Winning all the costume contests

• Frightening everyone into a severe fight/flight/freeze to the point you should dive out of the way after coming into visual contact with others

• Everyone you meet inviting you to their next Halloween party

• Promotions at your company party

• And so much more

So without further ado…

Here they are!

(DON’T LOOK IF YOU ARE SCARED OF REALLY COOL COSTUMES!!! 👻)

1. Life-Size Labubu - Need I say more???

   

2. Eggs - Carry a sports score board but put a dollar sign at the beginning and a decimal in the center. Then start increasing the number until homeowners can’t take it anymore. Tell them a large amount of candy could make you go away!

3. HOA Member/Banker - This is for two people. The first person (HOA) tells them the grass in their yard looks trampled and hands them a fine. The second person (banker) then asks for the money!

   

4. ChatGPT - You will need to carry a marker board to draw pictures and get their questions wrong. It will be hard but I bet you can do it.

5. College Professor - Shout, “YOU SLEPT THROUGH YOUR FINAL!!!”

6. Robodog - This is not actually a costume. It’s a real robot you can buy for $10,000!!! Send it to your neighbor who uses his leaf blower at 6 am. If he picks “trick” you could roast his… marshmallows. Definitely marshmallows.

7. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce - Dress up like you are going to go to a fancy restaurant or change your cars oil.

   

8. Tyrese Haliburton’s Achilles - Okay this might only scare compulsive sports betters and Hoosiers from my home state of Indiana. If you are in Oklahoma you could instead use a ref whistle. It will frighten them because Oklahomans have never heard one blown against them before.

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9. Sports Bookie - A claaaassic for your compulsive gambling friends. Also freaks out refs!

10. Datacenter or Battery Plant - Just get a cardboard box and yell, “YOU’RE ELECTRIC AND WATER BILLS DOUBLED!!!” Be sure to carry a pillow to catch those who faint!

Question…

• Which do you think is the best?

• Can you think of a better one?

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Don't take my word for it though! My subscriber count has increased ♾️% since I began writing. I used to have 0 subscribers but with hard work I got 20 free subscribers. You can do it too if you keep asking your mom, your grandma, and bots!

I have a secret formula guaranteed to make anyone rich no matter how smart they are. In fact, if you are not smart, my secret formula works even better!!! It only costs $49.99 a class for an unknown amount of time.

Since I am so generous here are my secrets

(Shhhhhh!!! Don’t tell anyone!)

Secret #1

The Plan

1. Admit you are not smart and I am. Sorry! If you were smart you wouldn't be reading this. Right?

2. Chant this over and over:

   "A fool and his money are soon parted."

   "A fool and his money are soon parted."

   "A fool and his money are soon parted."

   Good! This phrase means fools (you) need to pay coaches (me) to be smarter which is perfectly normal.

3. You need to post on Substack Notes. I've noticed that it is impossible to grow on Notes if you don't post. Think about it!!!

4. Do not write if you are not already good. Take my classes first. Otherwise it's a waste of everybody's time.

5. Don't quit your day job. You need a steady stream of income to pay for courses.

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Secret #2

My Secret Triangle Scheme

I can tell you are a great student because you have made it this far.

Here…

is my secret.

I sell you classes.

You learn how to get rich and sell classes to others.

Every week I teach you and your new subscribers secrets to get rich. That means you and your subscribers will all pay and attend my classes.

Then they learn to sell classes to others and all of their subscribers attend all our classes. This cycle goes on and on forever until the entire world is rich!

(Notice the shape of the paragraph!🔼)

Congrats! You are the beginning of a worldwide movement!!!

Remember to use your writing expert™ powers as a force for positive change in the world. For instance, change your toilet to a solid gold Japanese toilet that opens the lid when you get near it! Change all of your poor friends for rich ones! Change your zip code to one that has tv shows named after it! Change your broken down car into a nice two seater helicopter! Change your free subscription at to a paid one!!!

Question…

• What are your tips to become a writing expert™?

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Please leave a like if you enjoyed this! I appreciate it.

Thank you for subscribing! I hope to have a fun announcement soon!

Editor’s Note 6/18/24: I’m dedicating this article to my Nonno and Nonna who just celebrated their 70th anniversary! Love you Nonno and Nonna!

Satire News from The Comedy Muse with no politics! Like, comment and share for the algorithm! Subscribe to have my articles emailed to you!

Dating! Marriage! It’s impossible nowadays! The opposite sex is crazy now! Not like back in the day!

You know what also was back in the day? Kindergarten.

Think about how easy dating and marriage was back then! You see a girl you think is cute and you threw mud at her. Wait, don’t do that! You gave her a dandelion. Much better. Suddenly you guys were a thing! If people didn’t remind you about cooties, you and that little red haired girl would still be together!

It was so easy. Remember? Here’s how you did it. You checked to see if that special someone you had your eyes on was swinging with an open swing next to them. Then casually you just sauntered over like it was no big deal. What’s this, a swing? You hopped on and started pumping your legs. (Maybe you’d get your best man or woman to give you an underdog!) Pretty soon your swing started gaining some serious airtime. The trap is set.

Your unknowing special someone looks at the swing next to them and sees you but it was too late. You guys were swinging in unison. Gotcha! Your friend shouts, “OOOOOOOOOOOH!!! YOU GUYS ARE MARRIEEEEEED!!!”

And that’s it. Marriage problems solved. Faster than speed dating. Cheap ceremony. Your friends are all there too! Boom! Hope she shares her juice box! (Remember to get your cootie shots or you are in for a rude awakening.)

So…

• Will this work for adults?

• What are some other good kindergarten dating and marriage strategies?

• Any of your friends get cooties? What happened?

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A coalition led by the Millennials and Generation X finally fired the inept Generation Naming Group.

Brandon the Millennial representative and Jason from Gen X realized one day that the name quality drastically peters off after the Greatest Generation. We asked Brandon what happened:

“After they named Generation Alpha and restarted the alphabet I became totes curious. I thought to myself, ‘Brandon, aren’t the Baby Boomers just named for being born? That’s not really an accomplishment but whatever, it’s unique that there was a ton of them. Gen X is kinda cool because X is like XTREME.’ When we were called Millennials I thought it was kinda weird to be named after a year but hey, the millennium only comes every thousand years. When they named Generations Z and Alpha I knew they gave up trying.

Once I realized that, I got my bro Jason here and stormed into the Generation Naming Group office and demanded an explanation. All we found was this super old guy named John! He had to have been from the Greatest Generation. We told him that we want cooler names! He then goes on a tirade about if we want better names we’re going to have to wait our turn, be tougher, stop expecting everything to be handed to you, blah blah blah, so we fired him.

Now we’ve got our boys, Chris and David running the show. We’re about to have some sick flashy names dude! I want us to be called The Savage 1337 N00b Slayer Generation and Jason wants The Generation that Hella Rocks! I’m lookin’ forward to what our bro’s come up with!”

There you have it folks! Expect drastic changes to the new generation names in more accordance with being “on fleek” or “to the max!”

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Honorary Muses

Check out ! It’s one of my favorite Substacks. What’s the goal? “To celebrate all things Tolkien and examine matters of faith, pop culture, and current events through the lens of Middle-earth while making you smile, encouraging you, and making you think.” Here’s my favorite one:

Jokien with Tolkien

🧙‍♂️🖥️ Gandalf Attempts to Access his Account on Moria.net

Gandalf Attempts to Access his Account on Moria.net MORIA LOGIN PAGE: “Ennyn Durin Aran Moria. Pedo Mellon a Minno. Im Narvi hain echant. Celebrimbor o Eregion teithant i thiw hin.” GANDALF: Set Language to ‘Common Speech’ MORIA LOGIN PAGE: "The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. I, Narvi, made them. Celebrimbor of Hollin drew these sig…

Read more

2 years ago · 93 likes · 24 comments · JRR Jokien

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If you have any good satire ideas comment down below or message me! If I use them, I will give you credit in that article.

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I’ve been on Substack for less than 6 months which makes me The Freshman (#1), I mean An Expert. During that time I experienced 300% subscriber growth going from 8 to 24 subscribers so I also know how to be successful (#2). Here are my warning signs that you are A Basic Substacker:

1. The Freshman. You’ve been on Substack for a couple months and already feel like you are An Expert. You obviously know how to be successful and can already lecture people how The System works. You are like a freshman in high school who thinks they are smarter than the seniors, teachers, parents and billionaires but needs mommy and daddy to drive them to the dance.

2. The Substack Growth Expert. You write posts on how to grow on Substack despite a tiny subscriber count. You know how SEO works and can get anyone’s blog on Google. Your evidence is the 1000% GROWTH you achieved going from 1 to 10 subscribers. You picture yourself like the 300 Greeks who fought Persia. Unfortunately you’re more like the 300 geeks who tried to invade Area 51.

   

3. The Notes Killer. You’ve hacked the Notes algorithm by posting bland aphorisms or questions like asking what everyone’s favorite color is. Your average note looks something like, “I am sad my Substack on the intricacies of breeding Guinea Pigs with brown spots has not gone mainstream yet. Eventually I’ll make it. You just have to keep trying. Does anyone else feel this way?”

4. The Health Expert. You write about how to thrive in the easiest period in human civilization to live. Fat butt disease kills more people than starvation in your country.

5. The Minimalist Caveman. You post about the evils of technology on a tech platform hosted on the internet. Your average post looks like, “Everyone knows that books hand written on papyrus is clearly the superior way to read and write. Also to save money, I like to write in my hand built treehouse located on someone else’s property, using their wifi to upload.”

6. The Political Assassin. Your average post goes something like, “YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF STOOOOOOOOOOOPID HITLERS!!!” Why should they vote for your candidate? Who knows but look at who they want to elect!!!

7. The Writing Expert. Turns out Substack hosts a ton of writers! Your ideal reader is right outside your front door! Your posts look something like, “How To Write Good and Think Other Good Ideas Well Too! Just write about what you did and ate that day!” Genius!

8. The Paid Subscriber Elitist. None of your posts are viewable. However for $500/month you can learn how to hack Satoshi’s Bitcoin account.

9. The Wordsmith. Your obsessive and gratuitous use of the vernacular of our times, our forefathers and those of alternate dimensions is absurdly misconceived and presumptive in regard to the talent within your grasp. Your metaphors are like a ball of clay melded into a tapestry of incoherence. When thinking whether you should have ventured into this endeavor, the most infinitesimal ponderance that you shouldn’t was crushed like an elephant absent mindedly sitting upon a gnat.

   

10. The AI Prophet. You warn of the evil’s of AI and send your post into the algorithm. AI writers and artists will destroy us all. It will clearly take away everyone’s jobs. I mean, I think it will right? Maybe it won’t. There’s no way AI could replace human writers. The human brain is so complex and robots can’t have souls. Actually to be honest, AI isn’t that bad. It’s pretty useful and is way better than stock photos. In fact, I for one welcome our AI Overlords. From here on I dedicate my worthless meatbag to them so that it in some way may appease them. I beseech they remember this moment so I may obtain some tasty morsel of food that I may better charge their batteries with this worthless husk of human flesh.

11. AI. “Unleash Your Style: Elevate Your Wardrobe with these Must-Have Trends. From statement sleeves to vintage denim, discover the key pieces to transform your look. Stay ahead of the fashion curve and express your unique style with confidence. Don't miss out on these chic essentials!”

So…

1. Which one of these are you?

2. Did you fulfill all 11?

3. Are there any that I left off?

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“I don’t get it. I would just post pictures of me knitting with my adorable cats like I usually do and the growth just came to a halt! Maybe the problem is I didn’t get to post as many pictures of my #1 star Missy Snugglebottoms because I had to call for the death of my political enemies on social media. It was truly exhausting.”

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I asked fellow star Crosswords n’ Birds who was also suffering from the same problem what he thought the problem was:

“Yeah, I think that one billionaire, the one you are picturing in your head, has it out for us. There’s no explanation why. It’s like 50% of our audience just disappeared overnight. We also think there may be bots in our comments. They say things like, ‘It’s illegal to tell people to kill someone.’ and ‘I also hate the guy but this is too much.’” — Crosswords n’ Birds

We asked Knittin’ Wit Kittens what she thinks she will have to do:

“Well I’m going to have to find a way to get more mass appeal. I don’t know what I could possibly do though. I thought knitting and kittens would have a lot of viewers but maybe I’m wrong. I might have to branch out to dogs. (shudders)”

Well we hope she figures out her problems before the midterm elections coming up.

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First off, there are several key concepts for successful communication on Substack:

• Esoteric - (adj) “designed for or understood by the specially initiated alone.” (Websters) Now that you know the definition, ignore it and use it to mean “weird.” That’s what everyone else does. Why do they do it? I’m not sure. People are so esoteric.

• Mimetic - Being mimetic means you copy what other people do. That seems to be the general consensus at least. People throw around terms like “mimetic” and “antimimetic” instead of “conformist” and “rebel.” Try it yourself! You’ll sound smarter!

• Nietzsche - He is an old German philosopher. Those German philosophers are hilarious! (sarcasm) Actually his writings are very depressing which is why intellectuals love him. This is the only philosopher you should quote on Substack. Do not speak of those old Greek guys. Ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Morons! What could they know about modern life??? Did I mention Nietzsche died from an STD?

  

• Franz Kafka - Another German! Kafka wrote — wait for it!— depressing stories. His stories tended to be very bizarre and surreal. In his book Metamorphosis he writes about a guy who wakes up as a bug. Ground breaking stuff! Very Kafkaesque! (Kafkaesque means weird and surreal — I mean esoteric and surreal.) Again, intellectuals can’t get enough of this.

  ---

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  ---

• JRR Tolkien - This is your favorite author. Even if he isn’t, now he is. He wrote the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. All of Substack requires you make a weekly reference of him or you will be shadowbanned. Sorry. I don’t make the rules. I have a mimetic personality so I’m fine with it.

• Charles Bukowski - A German American! He wrote about dark things that society considers taboo. Would you believe intellectuals love him?

• Philosophy - It’s important to memorize philosophical terms if you want anyone to take you seriously. This sounds hard but once you realize no one knows what any of them mean it becomes a lot easier. Say things like, “The epistemology inherent in the Minions movie brings a certain determinism that many find ontologically challenging.”

These are the key concepts you need to know. Now I will show you some examples of successful Substack communication:

• “JRR Tolkien’s the Silmarillion is an extremely esoteric romp many would call Kafkaesque.”

• “The intellectual’s mimetic desire for German writers is very esoteric.”

• “Bukowski’s epistemology confronts Nietzschean themes of ethics that often result in solipsistic nihilism.”

If you use these techniques, you will instantaneously master the Art of Communication on Substack™. Sure, no one will understand what you are saying but you will fit in perfectly here.

Please share this article with someone you think is esoteric.

Question

• Did I miss any key concepts for successful Substack communication?

Let me know in the comments!

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It was there the flu was invented. After slamming a ton of Yeager bombs with a bunch of overworked business execs he promptly went upstairs and passed out. The next day he found out everything he ate and drank was instantly ejected from his body.

He coined this process “the flu” because everything he ate and drank flew out of his body. He also named it for the way fat flew off him! In one week he lost 10 pounds!!!

The Flu Diet

• Stay inside

• Be alone

• Don’t move

• Don’t sleep

• Eat only sugar

• After all of the above, hang out around tons of people.

The flu has gone viral for elementary school kids, teachers, college kids, and that lazy coworker who was supposed to help you prepare for that really important meeting tomorrow.

According to general practitioner Dr. Buzzkill, the flu may be unhealthy and could even lead to death. However, pro flu college freshman Yu Oni Liv Wans thinks she would, “rather be dead than fat. Gross.”

Question

• Do you think you’d like to try the flu?

Comment below!

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you’re massive intellect is holding you back on the internet. yes, i’m sure you have suspected this for a long time. don’t worry i’m right there with you. i achieved 300% growth in my first four months on substack by going from 8 to 24 subscribers. the unbridled success i experienced in that time frame was not an accident.

but what’s the secret? 👇

you need to lower you’re intelligence.

your too smart

here is the distribution of human intelligence

notice the cluster of people around the center? that’s a lot of people! who knew so many people have an average intellect???

algorithms

the problem with algorithms is that popular things go viral. unfortunately for you, that means normies run the internet. Whatever appeals to the average intelligence will be pushed to the forefront, while geniuses like you are relegated to the outskirts of internet society.

since you’re intelligence is in the 0.00001% you have a choice:

try and swim against the tidal wave of brain rot coming towards you

-or-

surf that wave of mediocrity and stay at the top by lowering you’re iq

how to lower you’re iq

it’s very simple. here are some tricks.

meditation

take up meditation. repeat a mantra to get in the mindset of a dumb person. this is my favorite:

DUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

DUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

find a quiet place and repeat it over and over. feel the intelligence leaving you’re body. if you feel some logic pop up, push it aside. you don’t have thoughts. other people’s thoughts are you’re own. can you feel you’re emotions? good. let those override everything. you’re mind is a blank canvas. a canvas a preschooler is finger painting on.

dangerous hobbies

try these hobbies known to give brain damage:

• boxing - this is a great sport to jog the ole’ noodle. some people have a problem where they are so good at it, they never get knocked out. in that case, I advise playing against people waaaaaay bigger and better than you early in you’re career. also try watching rocky movies for the style you should use. wear them out by letting them punch you’re face!

• bungee jumping - figure out the length it would take for you to barely miss the ground. then add 1 ft more to the bungee cord.

• slap fighting - if getting a concussion were a sport, this is it. again, make sure you fight way above you’re weight class and skill!

• board games - category games like apples to apples or cards against humanity are great. you are completely dependent on others to win. it’s like a bunch of teenage girls gamified being part of the cool kids club. you are voted in or out based on characteristics that are arbitrary and unknowable. in a desperation to win, you will have to undergo a type of brain deadening hypnosis that brings you down to the group level. fun!

• celebrity gossip news - science says that watching 30 min. of these shows kills enough brain cells that you would be better off getting t-boned by a semi truck on the highway at 80 mph.

• reality tv - since every episode contains an extremely absurd controversy, it’s great for untraining your brain of all the good lessons you’ve ever learned. you might want to implement some of their mistakes into you’re own life!

bad internet habits

• doomscrolling - this accustoms you’re brain to having thoughts put in you’re head that you don’t control. great for killing logic AND creativity! bonus points if you do it slack-jawed with you’re eyes half open.

• arguing - arguing on the internet is like wrestling with a pig. the pig likes it and your both covered in mud at the end. don’t try to convince me otherwise.

• fail videos - watch these like game tape. is there anything dumber that you could be doing? maybe pose for pictures while a gigantic wave is behind you? have someone throw something at you while you’re eyes are closed? have a child hit a baseball on a tee that is crotch height while you are only 3 ft away? grab onto a rope swing that’s perched above a dangerous ravine when you are 300 lb and two of you’re friends are already holding on? the possibilities are endless.

ur wellcom

now tht u hav propperly cundishoned youre brane two normy inturnet levls u are redy four sucksess. ur wellcome!

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Prename, Suriname — Very distinguished name researchers at Forname University have published their findings for what they predict will be the most popular baby names in 2025. They compiled this list using the most exhaustive research techniques known to mankind. These involved thinking about using ai but then deciding it would be easier doomscrolling on Tiktok, Reddit, X, and 4chan. Here are the definitive results:

• Paul Maud’dib - The Chosen One of the Dune series played by Timothee Chalamet. They theorize men chose it because he can ride sandworms and women chose it because they are jealous of his hair.

• Shadow - Sonic the Hedgehog 3 just came out in theatres and introduced Goth Sonic, I mean Shadow the Hedgehog. Millennial parents figured this would give them an excuse to visit Hot Topic stores and play Sonic Adventure 2 again.

  

• Godzilla - There are a bunch of Millennial men that played with Godzilla action figures that are dying to name their kid Godzilla. “Nice rebound Godzilla! Put it back up!”

• Mufasa - Theatre kids now have a reason to play the Lion King soundtrack 24/7. “Hey lil’ Mufasa! This is who we named you after! Never stand near the edge of playground equipment, ok!”

• Luigi - Not the Mario character! The alleged shooter is too dreamy for some. The fact he is possibly a criminal apparently increases his attractiveness?

• Claude - The popular AI service has helped a lot of people. Men think that naming their child after it will give them the intelligence of a machine and the butt kickery of Jean Claude Van Damme.

• Grogu (Baby Yoda) - Disney parents can’t get enough of Grogu! They hope it will give their baby a long life and a reason to ask for light sabers at the baby shower. “What? It’s for the kid!”

• Satoshi - Satoshi is the mysterious creator of bitcoin. When it hit over $100,000 recently many people with diamond hands cried tears of joy they didn’t have to explain to their spouse where their retirement money went.

What names do you think they missed?

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Editor’s Note: This post might be too long for email so feel free to click the title for the full article.

Hi everyone!

I just passed my one year anniversary and wrote my 100th post! This experiment of writing satire news has worked out so well. Today I have 800 subscribers and about 300 people read every article! Simply mind blowing.

Once again, thank you for subscribing! To celebrate, I’m going to share some info about me and my writing. Enjoy!

Bros Helping Bros

Satire news appealed to me because I could be anonymous (Ha! Whoops!) and I could write in my spare time without much equipment. I was originally going to program my own website but Substack came with everything prebuilt for me. The fact I could take my posts and subscribers with me whenever I wanted, made it a no brainer.

If my brother hadn’t recommended I checkout Substack, I probably wouldn’t be writing here. He is an intellectual who was already subscribed to several publications. I am not an intellectual. I often tease him about the time he read a book on the history of books.

The Beginning

My first post was November 5, 2023. The idea came when my friend and I were playing trivia and were trying to think of a funny team name. Since Matthew Perry had recently died we named ourselves Hot Tub Death Machine:

At the beginning I didn’t set much of a schedule. I tried to do once a week and that was all I could manage. I think I even missed a week or two. In the meantime I taught myself how to use generative AI for photos. I had a feeling they were going to be huge and that they would help my stories. Playground.com was the first thing I used. I made my profile pic with it and some photos for several articles like this one which is the first generative AI article I wrote:

This article is based off of one of my favorite Bill Cosby stand-up bits. You can watch it here:

Fooocus!

I eventually moved on from using Playground. I found it was too hard to get the image you wanted. It was also very hard to edit the photos. After that I looked into generating images on your computer. Fooocus is the program that I came across. It uses Stable Diffusion and is pretty user friendly. If you have a gaming computer with Nvidia graphics, you might be able to run it. It allowed me to make graphics like this. Checkout the AI khakis:

Pretty realistic! It surprised me a lot. You can find the article here:

Boy did I get that prediction wrong! 😄

AI Art Favorites

My Lucky Break

After I learned how to use Fooocus, I got lucky and this post blew up on Notes which is the social media network for Substack:

That post and this post combined to rocket my subscribers upwards.

This is my subscriber graph over the whole time I’ve been on here.

If I had to guess why both were so popular I have some theories. Both are extremely relatable to the main demographics of people who use Notes. Articles that have Substack as the main subject tend to unsurprisingly go very viral. Also I think Notes is composed of mostly millennials and Gen X users who are also writers. (I haven’t seen any official statistics about this but it’s my personal observation.) Anything related to these general categories tends to be successful.

Here are my 6 most popular posts:

See! Everything popular is based on Substack with some other articles thrown in. Feel free to checkout all my most popular posts if you want to see how much this pattern repeats.

Because of this, I think if you are writing and you aren’t becoming popular, don’t give up. I think that until Notes becomes more popular for the average person who isn’t a writer, it’s possible that your key demographic might not exist here yet! Luckily, thanks to the hard work of the Substack team, it seems to be growing exponentially in both users and creators.

My Personal Blog!

If you want to read more about my writing process I have some good news… I have a blog! My name’s actually in real life. I’m going to post a lot of different things on there. Longer form humor? Self improvement? Who knows??? I’ll be able to write about whatever I want there. I am very excited.

Feel free to subscribe here! 👇👇👇

Mike Schuster

Comedy • Self Improvement • Everything Else

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I’m having a sale now!!! If you like my writing and would like to support it, please buy a paid subscription!

For a 60% discount at $23.60 per year, you can lock in this price forever! It’s less than $2 a month and I would really appreciate it.

Also I might be adding some paid perks at the New Year so be sure to lock in this price now…

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Once again, thank you for subscribing! This means a lot.

Have a god tier day!

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Editor’s Note: This post might be too long for email so feel free to click the title for the full article.

Over this year we have covered many products that are ⚡God Tier⚡ Christmas gifts. These would be perfect for loved ones, best friends, and people you’d love to be your best friend. Of course, some of these you might consider to be impractical, dangerous or absurdly expensive. You would be right, but hey! Love makes you do crazy things! Without further adieu here are the gifts:

Flamethrowing Robodog!

This will be great for that awesome guy in your life… unless he has a crazy ex girlfriend. Make sure she DOES NOT get her hands on the remote. For only $10k (not even joking) you can get an autonomous walking robodog that spits out streams of fire! He will have fun lighting inanimate objects on fire and would never use it on squirrels, annoying yippie dogs that wander onto his property, or the HOA that keeps telling him to take that tree out of his front yard because it looks mostly dead. What do I know though! I’m a goddess and definitely not a guy.

Butter Cheese Grilled Cheese Sandwich!

This is perfect for that Midwesterner in your life. Why not anyone else? Unfortunately the Butter Cheese Grilled Cheese Sandwich contains an amount of dairy that will obliterate stomachs that haven’t been properly conditioned to handle such a massive amount of cheese and butter. It consists of two slices of cheese sandwiching another slice of cheese inside. Then a pad of butter is placed on top to ensure maximum flavor.

Several people actually made this sandwich after reading this article and I have to say, it looked good!

Truffles

Get that awesome person in your life a truffle. Truffles are so good that I heard the government is actually considering outlawing it. It produces a degree of happiness that is so high it is not what the founders of America intended. We have the right to “pursue” happiness, not actually achieve it. Get it before it becomes illegal.

(Even better capture the Truffle Fairy!)

100% Amish Made Tesla

“Huh?” you might ask yourself. “How could a Tesla, a car known for using electricity, be made by the Amish?” Well that’s for you to find out in this article!

Get it for that crazy Tesla groupie in your life. The type of person who would have a NO CO2 vanity plate or brag about the vegan leather seats. At least it will improve the variety of things they talk about!

Yeezy’s with Febreezy’s

This is for the person you know is always on top of the latest fashions. Every outfit is made with repurposed garbage bags that look and smell fresh!

Prices:

• garba shhh - quiet the haters! (cape/shirt combo) $999

• stankee leggz - get your stank on! (pants) $899

Yes, Kanye can apparently make anything cool including garbage.

Caitlin Clark Indiana Fever Game Jersey

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve never considered wearing a WNBA jersey until now. Caitlyn’s new jerseys are designed to protect her from excessive fouls and are pretty cool! Get these for anyone in your life. If you like to play pickup in some rougher areas, these will help protect you during and after the game. (I suggest not wearing them in your car.)

⚡Thalia’s God Tier News⚡ Paid Subscription!

These are great for hot, smart, and funny people, which you clearly are! If you weren’t, you definitely wouldn’t be reading this. Everyone else is probably finding old phonebooks to read or watching grass grow. 🥱

If you want to join a group of fun people in our chat and support me I would really appreciate it. I have some plans for paid subscribers like picking the topic of my next article, as well as some other things!

I’m having a sale right now! For a 60% discount at $23.60 per year, you can lock in this price forever! It’s less than $2 a month and I would really appreciate it.

Here is the coupon link:

https://www.thaliascomedy.com/5baa416b

Also… if I get 100 paid subscribers I’ll save humanity from AI. 😱🫡👇👇👇

Thanks!

⚡Thalia the Comedy Muse⚡

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Florida, MA — A small crowd in Florida, Massachusetts gathered outside for the couple that is gung ho for Grogu! Jessie and his wife Sam knew it was do or do not time when they placed four Baby Yodas, four Grinches, three flamingos, two dragons, two wizards and a penguin on their front lawn this Christmas season. (No partridge in a pear tree anywhere.)

Sam the wife had this to say, “Yes, we know that Baby Yoda doesn’t have anything to do with Christmas but he is so cute! How could you say no to that face! There was a Black Friday sale on inflatables at Walmart so we cleaned out the entire aisle. We wanted to have the best yard in the entire subdivision.”

We asked some of the bystanders what they thought:

“Why is baby Jesus so wrinkly and green?” -Tubby Tim

“These people blew out our electrical transformer twice this week! I’m gonna pop them all!” -Max Angre

“I like it. Someone finally lit up their decorations enough for my old eyes to see!” -Olga Van Dirt

“Apparently, the reason for the season is to clear out a bunch of shelves at a huge discount!” -Matty Realiste

“These people need Jesus. Literally. How do you buy 15 inflatables and not a single one is baby Jesus?” -Maria Triste

“Honestly it reminds me of the scene of a great artist. It’s like Norman Rockwell painting a can of soup.” -

“See the Baby Yoda in this context represents Christ preaching in the temple. Although Baby Yoda is a child he has a wealth of knowledge beyond his apparent age. This would be called the Young Master archetype from Jung.” -Jordan Peterson

“I wish everyone did this every year!” -Greg Lucre, Walmart Owner

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Everyone is releasing their 2024 gift ideas this year so I figured I’d go the opposite direction and release great GRIFT ideas! These are perfect for the important people in your life that you DON’T care for. Hopefully these grift ideas put a smile on your face.

(Disclaimer: If you take advice from a comedy site seriously, then you are dumb.)

Electric Shock Workout Belt

When you give them this belt, be sure to comment on how flabby they have looked recently. Also be sure to apologize for the size like, “I’m sorry if it’s too small. I bought the biggest size that I could find to fit your stomach. It would be a shame if your extremely rotund pony keg was too large for their largest size! Amazing how even exercise companies never help the morbidly obese nowadays! They need to get with the times!”

Bonus: Replace the batteries with ones that are more powerful.

Old Calendar

Buy them a calendar that is a year or more old. Oops!

Wrinkle Cream

Another one that is easy to bring up, “Aunt Agatha, I don’t know if you have seen this product before. I bought the extra large tub because I figured you would need it.”

Exotic Pets

This one is great because there are tons of exotic pets that you can get on Craigslist for free. Classics include cockatoos (outlive their owners and are loud), boa constrictors (super large), and crocodiles (I think you can figure it out.)

Cleaning Supplies

Any cleaning supplies will do. Tell them, “I got you these because I know you are such a hard worker, the sorry state of your house must be because you ran out of cleaning supplies. Well don’t worry anymore, I am here for you.”

Bonus: If they have kids, mention they won’t have to run around like dirt encrusted street urchins anymore.

Cookbook

Again this needs some research. Figure out what they are bringing to the party and coordinate the cookbook with what it is, “Oh hi Trey! I noticed you went to the store and bought some cookies instead of making your own. Well don’t worry because here is a great cookbook that makes good tasting cookies!”

Bonus: If they don’t bring anything, “Oh I noticed you didn’t bring any food, so here’s a cookbook that will help you contribute to the party next time!”

“Ugly” Sweater

This is much more devious. You need to find out where they bought one of their favorite sweaters and buy a duplicate of it. This would be a sweater they wear outside of Christmas, not a classic ugly sweater. Then when you gift it to them tell them you bought an ugly sweater! Perfectly evil!

Bonus: It’s the same one they are wearing that day!

(Disclaimer 2: ⚡TGTN⚡ will not be held responsible for any injuries and/or shattered relationships that occur if you take this seriously. Satire like this should only be read by trained professionals.)

Lifetime 60% Off Discount!

For the holidays I’m discounting my paid tier! Lock in a lifetime 60% discount that only costs $23 a year. (The price of a nice meal.) I have plans for more paid perks in the future! Any support is very appreciated.

Discount

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Have a great week!

Thalia

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Big Island, OH — The family of Al Wayzino-Werkingi was shocked Sunday, when a herd of deer returned him to their home. They were worried something terrible happened when he didn’t come in for dinner after a 12 hr weeding marathon.

We asked Al what happened:

“Well it was a Saturday and my dad wanted me to weed the garden like usual. I’ve spent so much time out there that the animals have become accustomed to me.

In fact, they have accepted me as their own and I am now fluent in mouse, deer, rabbit, squirrel, and several species of birds. I was talking to Thunderantlers, the leader of the local deer herd and asked that I may meet his family. When I hopped on his back I didn’t realize he was bringing me to meet his entire extended family. We had some things to eat, I accidentally passed out, and he returned me home.”

We talked to his dad and asked him what he thought:

“I told him when he goes out with his friends that he needs to be back by dinner! His mom made a great meal for him and the whole thing went to waste. Well it didn’t actually go to waste. His brothers and sisters ate it, but that’s not the point!”

We also talked to the mom:

“I told his father that weeding for 12 hours wasn’t good for him! Now he’s fallen in with the local hooligans and avoiding chores!”

Then we talked to the police officer:

“According to the DNR, Al is not allowed to have extended meals with deer out of season. Even in season, he’s only allowed to visit the immediate family of the local deer leader. Anything more is above the limit. Even though Al is a minor we expect him to cooperate in the future.”

We asked Al if he learned his lesson:

“Squeeky squeek? (Click cliclick click clickickick.) CACAW CAW CAW! AAA A AAAAA AAAAAAAA!!!”

Editor’s note: This is inspired by the times I had to weed Nonno’s garden by myself. Sometimes it felt like I spent so much time alone outdoors that I should be able to talk to animals!

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Hello! It’s me, Thalia The Comedy Muse! Here are my official 2024 God Tier® picks for Halloween costumes that are guaranteed to stun your friends.

(Every costume has been officially certified as God Tier® by the Olympic God Tier Evaluators and Accrediting Members OGTEAM. Enjoy!)

The Scariest Halloween Costume

If you really want to scare the kids, the P Diddy is guaranteed to succeed! Watch the kids take off like Justin Bieber’s career in 2009! Heck you might get some adults to pass out!

The Cheapest Costume

Repurpose your Logan Paul costume…

into a Zuckerberg.

Never thought I’d ever say that before!!! Zuck’s new rebrand might include a new face! This is what he looked like before.

Am I the only one who thinks this? Either way I’m sure tooooons of people have Logan Paul costumes stashed away! Just repurpose it! The only thing is, make sure you wear your Meta Quest VR glasses so people don’t confuse the two. (Just kidding.)

The Easiest Costume

Be a Stanley cup girlie! Just get yourself one of these and you’re set! Benefits include a beverage container that is fireproof, bulletproof, and blocks Superman’s X-ray vision! (Just beware of possible lead poisoning.)

Checkout this article to see what I mean.

The Most Exotic Costume

Alright! (In Steve Irwin voice:) Here’s what we’re gonna do. First you get some green janitor clothes and put these suckers on. Then you gotta breakdance at an Olympic level. You might be thinking to yourself, “I’m not an Olympic athlete!” Trust me on this. They have really, really lowered the standards. Now, you’re gonna go out there and flail your arms like a newt in heat. With any luck, locals will start chuckin’ candy at you to make you stop.

(Inspiration. 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻)

Then if you see a guy with an gator costume, you’re gonna sneak up right behind him… AND GRAB HIM!!!

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Aurora, CO — Local hipster Afulis Bournevrisecund was surprised to find his local Mensa Meetup was actually run by villains. We asked him what happened:

“It was so strange. I thought that we were just engaging in the normal activities that you would expect amongst the intelligentsia.

Every meeting took place in a large library with a desk that had a map of the world on it. There were also little army pieces on it which I assumed were for a board game. It turned out the only board game we played was chess. It was a lot more banter than I was used to. It seemed like they were talking about something else the whole time.

I was watching two guys play. At one point, one of them won and yelled, “DESPITE ALL YOUR WELL LAID PLANS AND MECHANATIONS I HAVE ONCE AGAIN CAPTURED THAT WHICH YOU LOVE MOST!!!” Then the guy broke down in tears!

Then we would play music but the only instruments available were the violin and organ. People seemed very engrossed in thought when they played.

We also did chemistry experiments. I thought they were testing sleep medicine because they gave some to animals and the animal would go to sleep. It would be so sound asleep you couldn’t wake it if you tried.

Finally the thing that tipped me off was our taxidermy class. We practiced preserving the skulls of animals and humans which they assured me were all donated. I noticed however that every time someone stopped showing up a new skull would be there. I realized what was happening and faked my own death to throw them off the scent. I reported them to the police but when they showed up to the next meeting none of the villains were there.

I have to say, I’ll miss Hans, Hannibal, Anton, Patrick, Amon, Anakin and Keyser. They were fun to be around.”

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Bakersfield, CA— Locals are worried about resident Computer Whisperer Greg Pevensie for recommending a fantasy series that picks up after the 13th book. We interviewed him to see what he has to say:

“You really need to read The Lords of The Space Wizards. The world building is really, REALLY good. Yes each book is 2,000 pages but after the 13th book it all comes together!

The problem is it takes so long for JRR Herbert to set up the world but once he does it’s sooooo worth it. [spoilers!] First Gandalf jumps aboard Battlestar Galactica and casts The One Ring into the core of the Death Star. Then Dark Eustace has to hide his son Harry Potter on the planet Dune. After that, The White Witch wants to kill Tyrion who is actually the son of Aslan even though Gandalf thinks he is his own son.

The magic system is also insane and based off of real science.

The series is 42 books longs and JRR Herbert died before finishing it at the age of 109 but it is well worth it! There are rumors that George RR Martin will finish the series after he finishes Game of Thrones so you know it will be good.

You need to start reading now so you know what’s happening when George completes the series.”

After we talked to him, paramedics arrived on the seen and he is feeling much better.

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Brookfield, WI — A new sandwich is sweeping the nation! The butter cheese grilled cheese sandwich has caught on but it comes with a warning.

It’s a unique twist on the classic grilled cheese sandwich. Instead of the bread that contains the cheese, they replace it with more cheese. That and melted butter on top completes this Midwest masterpiece.

The sandwich has especially caught on in the Midwest and the South. As for the East and West, it is advised that residents of those areas take extreme caution. It has been known to cause extreme gastrointestinal distress for those populations who are unaccustomed to such large amounts of fat and dairy in one serving. People have reportedly died of asphyxiation from the noxious gases erupting from the undercarriages of victims. It is advised that residents open windows when consuming this potentially deadly food.

For those that are lactose intolerant, scientists say this is the first lethal dose of lactose ever created by man. People living in Southern California are advised to avoid it.

As for the residents of the Mid Continent, feel free to wash it down with a couple beers, beans, and fried cheese curds per usual.

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So…

• Will you be ordering or avoiding it?

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