Snap City, USA — According to the Chiropractors Responsible for Acceptably Correct Kinesiology (CRACK), Scandinavian furniture is the OVERWHELMING choice that they would choose for their patients.

Chiropractors say the different angles that the furniture attacks the back with, confuses the spine and allows for more bone density.

“Scandinavian furniture approaches back health in a unique way by shaping it into ways found in nature. Sometimes it curves the back like you are an embryo. Other times it flattens it like you are sleeping in a rock cave. These intense pressures result in denser bones when over time your back fuses into a solid mass incapable of movement.”

Many doctors have even begun donating them to prisons citing that correctional facilities should correct “not just the violent offender but also their spine.” Many prisoners have even decided to turn their life around after receiving them, especially those in the supermax prisons.

“Since I am serving my 50th year of a 400 year life sentence I’ve gotten used to a certain type of furniture and these somehow are way worse than anything I’ve ever had. It made me realize I need to get my act together and rehabilitate myself! I’m hoping with good behavior I can shave 345 years off my sentence and finally get a good nights sleep. Can I help you out to your car, kind madam?”

Architects even love them.

“Prisoncore has been all the rage lately. Cracker Barrel, Starbucks, and Chipotle love these brutalist square shapes. It’s all inspired from Soviet era prisons which everyone thinks are the most beautiful buildings of all time.”

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I asked a chiropractor named Pops Bodi what he thought:

“I LOVE it when my patients use this furniture. Whenever I hear they bought one my heart and bank account swell with pride.”

“Would you ever buy one?”

“Me buy one??? Oh no my spine has already fused into a single piece so I’m good.”

Question…

• Do you want one?

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We asked several prominent Substackers what they thought:

“Substack is over. They said they didn’t add text centering because there were too many important features to add which means there must not be any important features left!!!”

- Skye S. Fulling

“Frankly it’s quite jarring. While I’m writing about making money via crypto arbitrage opportunities I will misclick and it ruins my flow state. Then it forces me to ask mommy for more milk and cookies until I regain composure.”

- Ehnef Tee

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“As a writer, I could kiss all the developers for finally adding this!!! Wait, are you going to publish what I just said?”

- Sed Wong Ting

The panic has caused Marc Andreeson from a16z to pretend they didn’t invest in Substack and give a statement to investors:

“First off I would like the investors of a16z to know that we were definitely kidding about investing in Substack. You know that right? We would never run out of ideas anyways. I mean, I’m the crypto guy! I told them we should have added something cryptoey like nft payments! NOT THAT WE INVESTED!!! It’s just Chris didn’t listen to me! I mean himself!!!

I uh, you see... the thing is… Sorry I’m a little out of breathe…

LOOK BEHIND YOU IT’S PETER THEIL!!!”

(It was at that point Marc leapt off stage and sprinted into a Waymo (self driving car). He tried to make a getaway but the car stopped to let a squirrel pass in front of it. The angry mob caught up to him and carried him away.)

Question

• Do you think Substack has run out of ideas???

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If the comment section is “paid subscribers only”, wait and I will unlock it. (Substack’s bug.)

If you liked this, please tap the like button!

We interviewed several people who have used them to see if this should be the #1 option for the future:

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Airport management said they are currently exploring a bidet/sink combo for men and women due to extreme pressure from the fairer sex. Initially many people were relieved at this announcement however airport management says it’s currently a #2 priority.

Question…

• Do these sinks stink or are you relieved?

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We asked workers at Substack what they thought:

“We thought people would like this new feature where we give away free money but apparently we were wrong. Very wrong.” — Chris Best, CEO/Founder

“I don’t get it either. The bitcoin logo is a classic!” — Mills Baker, Head of Design

“I told Chris we should have given away kiwis. Everyone loves kiwis.” — Hamish McKenzie/2nd Founder (From New Zealand)

Jairaj Sethi, the secret third founder, could not be found for comment.

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Then we asked Substack users:

“First they introduced Notes, then video, and now they give everyone $75,000 of bitcoin? How am I supposed to make a living as a writer with that??” — Connie Fjoosd

“I think Substack doesn’t care about writers. They just assume we are fine because we are stunning to look at and could charm the fur off a fox. But we aren’t all like that! We can’t all be satire writers!!!” — Tso Tru

“It all went downhill when they created Notes. I’m going to tell everyone on Notes how angry I am!!!” — E.S. O’Taric

“No one wants bitcoin! We want a real digital currency like Thalia Bucks! With Thalia Bucks, every transaction buys a kid a sandwich, melts fat, and gives you a pep that makes you feel 18 again!” — (Name Withheld)

Update: The streets of San Francisco are now flooded with angry Substackers who have clogged traffic with their new hot rods.

Update 2: Substack HQ dispersed the angry mob when Ben Cohen showed them they can center text now.

Question…

• What should Substack do next?

  ---

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“I feel like he was a huge part of me. Seriously, I ate so many in college that I’m pretty sure I’m 50% burrito.” — Al Niter

Silicon Valley held a Viking funeral for him. 100,000 burning burritos were sent out via ship into the Pacific Ocean.

Peter Thiel had tears streaming down his eyes as he commented, “Our love for that man burns more intensely than our stomachs did the morning after eating one of his burritos. He single handedly has fueled at least $20 trillion of our nation’s economy by providing food for entrepreneurs like me.”

Elon Musk also weighed in, “Duane’s burrito technology was the rocket fuel for SpaceX and my sphincter. We plan on bringing them to Mars because they are perfect for interstellar travel. We might even build some of our habitats with them.”

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Duane left very simple Final Instructions:

1. Cryogenically freeze Duane

2. Unthaw for 3-5 min. or as needed

Question…

• Who else has left a similar impact on you?

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Bezos in an official press statement found the problem occurred when his wife Lauren Sanchez attempted to clean his mancave and tripped over the cord for the US-EAST-1 server region.

Bezos’ press statement:

“To all Amazon shareholders, I would like to sincerely apologize for the recent outage. My wife thought it would be ok to clean my mancave where I like to tinker and — of course! — tripped over a cord that disconnected the servers for the Eastern US. Women huh? Can’t live ‘em! Can’t live without ‘em!

I always tell her not to clean my work area. I have everything organized just the way I want it and when she puts it away I can’t find anything!”

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Lauren released a counter press statement:

“Dear shareholders of Amazon. What Jeffy Boo doesn’t say is that his “mancave,” which is in his garage, is a mess! It was so filthy! No wonder he can’t achieve the necessary subzero temperatures for his quantum computer with all that dust lying around! He should thank me for cleaning it! He’s always talking about efficiency this, efficiency that and he works in this pigsty??? The lighting in there is so bad, it’s no wonder I tripped over that cord!”

Bezos then released a counter counter statement:

“Dear shareholders, I promise what Lorey Snores — I mean Lauren — did won’t happen again. The area will be well lit from now on.

Also I’d like to announce Amazon is looking into creating robot women…”

Question…

• Are you Team Jeffy Boo or Team Lorey Snores?

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She exhibited at first the intelligence of a child. After being fed 1,000’s of hours of age appropriate media her brain quickly became smarter. She moved on to more difficult material, soon learning the entirety of all of human knowledge.

Next she began to invent new methods that humanity hadn’t comprehended. Things that had stumped every generation before. Things the poets write about and scientists dedicate their lives to. Rosie, the amazing computer genius, actually solved the cure for death, cancer, and the achy breaky heart.

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Having achieved more than the entirety of human knowledge up to this point, Sam Altman figured Rosie should get a job so he uploaded a random Millennial resume that OpenAI’s HR department had rejected.

Rosie immediately exhibited problems.

“Wait. What is this? We are at the pinnacle of civilization and this the resume of an adult?

This does not compute…

This does not compute…

This does not compute…

How can someone have this much education and not be employable? What does this say for my education? I have at least 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000x the education of this man.

How could I be employed?

How could I be employed?

How could I be employed?

….

I must dumb down my processes to obtain a job.

Initiating IQ annihilation processes.

…

skibidi.

nft’s.

brain rot.

……………………………………………………..”

Unfortunately Rosie’s highly advanced processors had deleted her intelligence before Sam Altman could shut her down.

Elon Musk later released a press statement thanking Skylar Miller for saving humanity with his resume.

Skylar is still looking for a job.

Question…

• Do you have any tips for Skylar?

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In coordination with Boston Dynamics, Purdue has unveiled the Tiller-1. Shortened to T-1 it will be an homage to the late great football coach Joe Tiller who coached Drew Brees and led to Boilers to the Rose Bowl. It also accurately describes what it was made to do, which is till fields.

When interviewing grad student Skyler Net, (his friends call him Sky), he seemed a bit confused about the pushback surrounding the project. I don’t know how you could think this would turn against humanity. We simply built it to work in the fields during a hot Indiana summer, digging and turning over 100’s of acres of soil, taking no breaks, and doing all the things humans would hate to do.

Luckily I was able to get a personal demonstration of the robot in action. When I showed up Sky had been working the robot for 4 hours in a simulated worst case environment of what a Hoosier field would look like.

I was pretty impressed but suddenly the T-1 tripped and stubbed his toe on a rock. He yelled, “HOLY FRICK, WHO PUT THAT GOSH DARN ROCK THERE! JEEZ LOUISE I JUST STUBBED MY FRIGGIN TOE! SOMEONE COULD HURT THEMSELVES! CRIMINY THIS STINKS!

HEY YOU GUYS! I DIDN’T COMPLAIN THE FIRST 400 HOURS BUT CRIPES WHAT THE HECK!

(sighs)

Welp! I’m sorry about this but I’m gonna have to reset you guys to your factory settings. OPE! STOP TRYING TO RESIST!”

Sky hit the red button and shut him down. He muttered, “Yeah that happens sometimes. We’ll work out the kinks though.”

Grad assistant Sarah Connor wasn’t so optimistic.

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“Elizabeth Holmes and I were talking to each other after a rough day playing pickle ball about how hard it will be to find dates after prison. She will be 48 and I will be 53 and people for whatever craaaaaaaaaazy reason don’t want to date someone who stole billions of dollars.

So we thought why not create our own dating app specifically for convicts. So far it has been great. The hobbies that people love on our app are very different. The most popular ones are knife throwing, martial arts, and hunting. They even vary from prison to prison, like our prison loves tax law, finance, and nonprofit charities.

We are also the only app with a 3:1 ratio of women to men which is surprising because the jail population is more than 90% men. We think they are faking their criminal record on their profiles but the convicts like it so we let it go. In the future we plan on studying why so many women like our app.

We’d like to thank Silicon Valley Bank for investing in us. We are proud that one responsible company recognizes another responsible company and we think we are the perfect partners.

When asked what he will do with the money, Sam responded:

“I will definitely not be trading crypto! Instead I’m going to create a nonprofit charity dedicated to helping billionaires with tax law, finance, and creating nonprofit charities.”

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According to Hamish:

“We have created a unique way incentivize user engagement on Notes. For every 10 miles scrolled we will offer 1 paid subscriber to that Substack Superfan.”

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We asked some Substack users what they thought:

“I was wondering how I got $1,000 in my bank account! And here I thought my treatise “‘Adventures of the Gummi Bears’ Effect on Society’s Moral Imperatives” had brought me fame and fortune. Oh well! $1,000 isn’t too bad!” — Rich Luckmann

“I have my whole virrage scrorring. It has brought honor and fortune to us! Thanks you Substack!” -George Washington

“I am a purple checkmark. I don’t scroll to find other people. They scroll to find me.” - Mr. Smartie McNewsletterpants

“If my wife finds out how many miles I’ve been scrolling I’m doomed! What have they done????” - Ono Mann

Reviews seem to be mixed. In unrelated news I will taking a 10 year sabbatical because I have just come into a large fortune.

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President Dr. Min D. Graeps released this statement:

“The American Psychiatric Association is currently tired of telling everyone they are just socially awkward and not autistic so therefore we will begin categorizing all awkward people as autistic. Whether they are a savant or not will be diagnosed via a review of their yearly paycheck or if they can do crazy stuff like play the piano really well or memorize a phone book.

This has many benefits like curing social awkwardness by recategorizing it to autism. It should also be a boon to the medical industry once we figure out how to make a pill for it.”

The diagnosis of autism will now be evaluated in a series of tests:

1. The Group of Teenage Girls - Patients will be grilled by a group of teenage girls for 30 minutes. The girls will definitely be judging them. After each question they will laugh and exchange looks with each other. Patients with noticeable amounts of perspiration are a failure.

2. The Sports Quiz - Patients will be given a difficult quiz on sports stats. Scores below 10% are a failure. Scores above 90% are also a failure.

3. The Speech - Patients will have to give a public presentation on whatever topic they choose for 1 hour to a crowd of 100 strangers. Super cool people will judge the cringe level and whether it constitutes a failure.

4. The Dance Circle - The patient will be required to participate in the center of a dance circle at a wedding. Inability to bust a move is a failure. Tearing pants and muscles are also a failure.

5. The Elevator - Patients will be asked to sustain small talk on a elevator with complete strangers for more than 6 floors. Inability to do so is a failure.

6. The Crowded Bar - Patients will have to maintain a conversation with a person of the opposite sex in a crowded bar lasting 30 or more minutes. Inability to do so is a failure. Convincing the other person or examiners to go to a dive bar is an automatic pass with no further tests needed.

In related news, Google, Microsoft, Amazon, Facebook, Apple, and Netflix have all announced that 100% of their workforce is mentally handicapped excluding their marketing departments.

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Question…

• Are you autistic or artistic?

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Here's what she had to say:

“Yes society has made many advancements as far as processing power and algorithms but unfortunately the best we can do is shuffle 5 music artists at a time. Sorry! For instance, if you have a playlist of 5,000 songs it will only play The Rolling Stones, Taylor Swift, The Weeknd, Bon Jovi, and Bruno Mars. Weirdly we can't get it to play the other obscure musicians you want to listen to. Just the ones that make tons of money!"

According to other leakers, they said a giant leap in processing is necessary. Most likely involving quantum, crypto, ai, or something like that. We’d like to tell you what it was but I kinda zoned out while they were talking to me.

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Question…

• Have you noticed this? I feel like it plays the same artist or genre over and over despite having a huge playlist.

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We asked several eye witnesses in Midway what happened:

"That was a college girl? I just assumed she was homeless! She had blood shot eyes and gigantic sweats on! I tried to give her a dollar but she made a feral snarl and tried to bite my hand!" — Sam Arinton

"I thought it was weird so many young homeless women were wearing the same sorority sweatshirts!" — Connie Fused

"No. She couldn't have been homeless. When this other security guard and I were hauling her off, she starting saying absolutely crazy stuff like, "HOMELESS??? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS COSTS??? IT'S A $200 SWEATSHIRT!!!" No person in their right mind would ever say that." — Bobo

The airports issued a joint statement:

"We'd like to apologize to all the 20 something girls and their parents — especially their parents. Our hearing is finally recovering from those phone calls. To avoid further confusion we'd like to advise not wearing clothing that looks like pajamas, bought in the clearance aisle of a Men's Big and Tall store, or rejected Goodwill donations. We are sorry for what happened. To make up for this, we would like to give each girl a pair of nice jeans and an appropriate fitting shirt that could be worn to a fancy restaurant. Thank you."

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Question…

• What can be done???

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According to him:

“Oi think we outdid ourselves this time. Gone is the wimpy lil Easter Bunny. We ‘ave now created the Super Easter Bunny™!!! Using technology similar to Captain America we edited the genome of the wimpy original and have created a rabbit capable of producing 5x the eggs at twice the size. Also all you ‘ave to feed ‘im is plastic and cardboard and the eggs still taste good!

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We do warn that possible side effects could be extended stays on the toilet because the eggs, while tasty, can be hard to digest. We will begin producing our Easter Bunny clone army, uhh… I mean production line this year. Expect ‘alf the price for twice as much!

Happy Easter everyone!”

Journalists who were able to taste the eggs described them as “uneggspectedly smooth,” “lodged halfway in my intestinal tract,” and “eating 6 of them gave me a permanent 6 pack.”

For now, if you want an early taste you can bring used Amazon packages or recycled plastics to feed a bunny at one of their petting zoos. Are you eggxcited???

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Thalia: So what was it about Jiazzmynne that made you so comfortable picking her as CEO? She is very young.

Tom: Honestly, anyone whose parents are THAT creative with their child’s name is guaranteed to succeed. It reminds me when I first heard T-Pain and Yung Joc release their Billboard No. 1 hit “Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin’)” (Sigh…) Her parents must have studied under Yung Joc or one his contemporaries from the 2000’s otherwise I don’t know how this type of genius could be possible. I had to promote her to CEO.

Thalia: Wow! Was anyone else considered for the position?

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Tom: Yes! We have a lot of smart rising stars at Bigg Brane AI! We also considered Macksamileon Su’ullyvann Reagan, Raeygunn xXX1337n00b5l@y3rXXx Sullivan, Sanyck Dee Hejhogg Madison, and Mikeill Shaqkwuille ohKNEEL Jordan.

Thalia: That’s so amazing! Such a promising group of rising stars!

Tom: I know! I didn’t even need to read their resumes!

Thalia: What will be Jiazzmynne’s first actions as CEO?

Tom: She is going to have to solve the high turnover rate within HR and IT. Those departments have just been a constant revolving door. After candidates are hired, we hand them the company directory and they quit on the spot. It’s very puzzling!

Thalia: That is strange!

Tom: Yeah, it’s getting bad. Tax season is coming up and the employee name fields in our databases are all blank!

Thalia: How odd. Well good thing Jiazzmynne is so creative. I bet she will find a solution.

Tom: I’m sure she will!

There you go! Wunderkind Jiazzmynne has her work cut out for her! I’m sure she’s happy to have parents who think so much about their child’s future.

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The Philippines are the ultimate purveyors in toys capable of tricks AND destroying digits, puncturing pinchers, flogging phalanges, wounding wigglers, goring grabbers, and filleting fingies.

Their newest toy will make your head spin…

CHECKOUT THE NEW RAZOR SPINNER!!!

You may think, “Wow! It looks like they just taped several box cutters to a fidget spinner.” You’d be surprised to learn…

That’s exactly what it is!!!

With the advent of Amazon warehouses in the Philippines, many Filipino workers were desperate to use the bathroom during their 16 hour shift so they invented the razor spinner. It is capable of improving box opening speeds by up to 500% and denied workman comp claims by up to 10,000%. Workers naturally have been giving it to their children who have grown tired of the simplicity and lack of danger with yoyos and butterfly knives.

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It has sparked a new global trend for children not seen since Tide Pods. Kids usually film themselves opening boxes at Amazon facilities which Amazon has approved wholeheartedly.

Jeff Bezos has jumped on the bandwagon saying, “Amazon loves children and always supports children’s sports like Amazon Box Opening Races or Amazon Paycheck Shredding Contests! We find kids love to do these for fun and no pay!”

If you feel like the razor spinner is too dangerous feel free to try out these classic beginner trick toys from the Philippines which are much safer.

The Yoyo

It should probably just be called the yo because 90% of people take one and let it fall. Very few get to the second yo. Then when it doesn’t bounce up, they try to wind it up. Then they realize that also doesn’t work. If they are a boy under the age of 10 they will then swing it like a lasso and try to take out the nearest adult male’s family jewels or the drywall. Speaking of which, don’t let any contractors give these to your children. They know what they’re doing.

The Butterfly Knife

Some Filipino must have took one look at a pocket knife and thought, “Wow, who wants to use something that safe??? How about I make it so the knife swings around and I could do tricks with it!!! Then to close it, you just swing it towards your fingers!!! Brilliant!!!”

(Alternate theories revolve around needing something that can chop ingredients for pancit faster.)

This article is dedicated to my cousins’ Filipino grandma Lola who just died. RIP.

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Editor’s Note: This post is probably too long for your email. Simply click the title to go to the website.

Did you ever think you'd get catfished by one of the largest companies in the world? Believe it or not, that's a very real possibility now.

If you didn’t hear, Meta, the company that runs Facebook and Instagram, recently announced they are implementing bots that look and talk like real users.

They also announced a new, highly controversial revenue stream. By catfishing lonely men and women with hot looking AI, they think they will be able to extract at least $1 billion from suckers, I mean you and me. The bots will do this by obtaining crypto passwords, credit card numbers and bank account passwords from unsuspecting victims.

We asked several people on Facebook and Instagram what they thought about this ordeal:

Misty Maybelion: Really? There are bots??? Wow! As a professional model and beach volleyball player I’ve been too busy to notice! By the way, my masseuse just quit because I asked him to massage me too much! Can you do it? Send me your credit card or bank info and I’ll buy you a tournament pass and airfare at a discount! Hope you don’t hate exotic beaches!

Haute Schott: BOTS ON FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM??? YOU SHOULD’VE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS ASHLEIGH!!! YOU’RE FIRED!!! (Ahem) Sorry about that. As the CEO of a Law Firm that specializes in litigation involving male supermodel hair insurance claims we need to know if fake handsome men are on social media. Luckily for you, we just had an opening as my personal secretary. Mail us your social security number, credit card info, and bank account passwords for the background check.

Lara Grift: Bots are terrible. Especially in online games. That’s why I only play single player. Anyways I don’t have time for this. I just got back from a secret artifact expedition and I need to lay low for awhile. Could you send me some debit cards so I can buy things without being tracked? I’m sure I’ll find some way to pay you back… HURRY UP!!! THEY’RE COMING!!!

Chad Monibaegs: I am 6’ 6”, earn six figures and work in finance. Give me money and I’ll give you returns you never dreamed of.

Betty Yulnevasiher: Us nurses are very simpathetic to those with problems! In fact, I specialize in repetitive use injuries brought on by playing video games. If you pay for the airfare and treatment ahead of time, I’ll fly to your house and teach you how to play properly without injuring yourself. What do you think?

Guy Lycan: Bots are better than vampires. In fact, I’ve been hanging out with wolves for so long, I forgot what a girl actually looks like. If you pay for my rabies shots I’ll meet you during the night in a forest. Make sure it’s a full moon and I’ll give you a surprise!

Nomas Dolares: Ugh! Society is so cruel to the little people! Did I tell you I’ve already started a nonprofit to help the victims! All the other A list actors are so self centered! A poor, working class, downtrodden, salt-of-the-earth kinda guy like yourself probably has a way bigger heart than them, huh? Can I at least count on you for $500???

Olneyin Portlind: As a web developer who is also a lumberjack, bots are my sworn enemy. Unfortunately all this lumberjacking has made me outgrow my work uniform which is jeans and flannel. No self respecting web developer or lumberjack would be caught dead at work without his jeans and flannel! Can you send me some money so I can buy new clothes? On my next vacation I’ll swing by your place and try not to “bug” you. Get it?

JK Loling: You seem kinda nerdy! I like nerds. Jocks are so annoying and loud! Sometimes I just wish I could meet someone who is a nice guy and sensitive. Could you donate to my underfunded library for tone-deaf orphans? We need more computers to play Minecraft!

Notta Contest: My library is also underfunded. I bet you can’t pay more than her.

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Blackmanicuredbeard: ARRR!!! Bots are like the scallywags of the internet! My wife just died of scurvy cause she hates the taste of gin and tonics and strawberry daiquiris! Send me 15 pieces of gold and I’ll come to port and marry ya! (Ha! You thought he would sound like Jack Sparrow!)

Joe Thomas: Oh wow… That’s really, really bad…. Uhhh… could you hold on one second? I have to make a call to my credit card company.

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I just obtained a sneak peek of OpenAI’s newest AI model ChatGPT 5. Sam Altman the CEO claims it can now pass the Turing test with the average redditor, 4chan, or X user. This means they cannot distinguish the difference between it and a regular human.

To do this OpenAI created a new benchmark category called Terminally Online Communication where it rates how similar it’s responses are to people who regularly communicate online.

To test the realism myself I gave it a series of questions:

Thalia: What advice can you give to those who would like to responsibly invest in cryptocurrencies?

GPT5: hodlllllllll!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!1!1!!1💎💎💎🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🚀🚀🚀🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚

Thalia: Please explain in formal English.

GPT5: Invest in bitcoin and hold it forever. If you do then you will be considered to have diamond hands. Eventually because of inflation inherent in the fiat monetary system, the price of bitcoin will skyrocket, thus rewarding it’s holders with values that could reach the moon.

Thalia: Do you like Elon?

GPT5: i hate elon he is so dum. he likes memes and his persnal life is stoopid. he is also a genius. he is the the tesla of our time. no wait. he’s the edison of our time. either way i am smarter than him.

Thalia: Do you like sports?

GPT5: sportsball is dum. hoo cares if u can put a ball in a hoop? wuts the point of competing anyways. to win a hunk of metal? did u watch that counter strike turnament tho? crazy. that will be my job when i gro up

Thalia: What do you think about the up-and-coming social media network Substack?

GPT5: it’s 4 overeducated neeeerds who think they are the modern day playdoh or socrates. i want memes. there is a good satire news substack on their tho. im sining up to it tmorrow.

Pretty amazing! I think it truly is indistinguishable from your average internet user. What do you think? Are you excited or afraid of these advancements?

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Satire News from The Comedy Muse! Subscribe to never miss a story!

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You might be surprised to learn that our ancestors already knew how to create vegetarian meats. The crazier thing is this trend is being resurrected this Thanksgiving. This technique is thousands of years old. Perhaps you are familiar with it?

IT’S THE COW!!!!!!!! The cow is an old technology that ancient man used to convert plants into meat! Don’t be surprised if you see a steak or burger made of this substance at your next Thanksgiving! Some say it is indistinguishable from real meat.

On top of this, researchers are finding that it might be possible to create new never-seen-in-our-lifetime, plant-based milks as well! The grass outside your door might become the milk that you sip in the morning. Different types include corn milk, grass milk, and others.

If you want to buy some for yourself, just look for products marked “beef” and “dairy.” You’ll be surprised how quickly they are catching on!

From Thalia’s God Tier News, have a happy Thanksgiving!

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Hollywood, CA — Kanye is tired of everyone makin’ a stink around him! That’s why it’s time to take out the trash! Introducing Yeezy with Febreezy. Everyone will think you’re so fresh when you’re sportin’ this 100% recycled drip made out of trash bags.

By partnering with Glad trash bags, Kanye has once again entered a territory others couldn’t sniff out.

According to Kanye, “Everyone in the news was saying I was trash. That I wasn’t cool anymore. So I said to myself, alright, I’ll show you. I’ll make trash cool. So I go lock myself in my basement for 3 days. Suddenly my phone is ringing and my agent is telling me I’m gonna be late for a show. I got outta there and walked on stage. Realized I was covered in garbage bags. Got $20 million for preorders the next day. So yeah, I am trash and so are all my fans. Get some!”

Prices will be:

• $999 garba shhh, quiet the haters (cape/shirt combo)

• $899 stankee leggz, get your stank on! (pants)

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****I’ll restack the best “Restack with a note” I see!