Welcome to Thalia’s God Tier News🎭. Satire News from the Comedy Muse. Everything but politics! Subscribe to have my articles emailed to you.

I’m sitting down with 007 today to ask him how he is able to be a secret agent and tell everyone his name. Enjoy!

Thalia: Hello 007!

007: Please Thalia, it’s Bond. James Bond

Thalia: Sounds good Jimmy B! So I’m gonna ask you the question everyone’s been wondering. How can you tell every kingpin and their mistress your name and not have your cover blown?

Bond: It’s very simple. Are you sure you want to know?

Thalia: YES OF COURSE!!!

Bond: Well have you noticed the average life span of people who know my name?

Thalia: Uhhh… (gulp) maybe?

Bond: Yeah, life insurance companies tend to hate the people that know me on a first name basis. Every mob boss and mistress I introduce myself to, tend to end up stiller than a Buckingham Palace guard.

Thalia: So does that mean after this interview you are going to kill me?

Bond: Yup. I’m sorry but I am going to have to kill you… WITH MARTINIS!!! We gotta go back to Mykonos!!! It was insane!!! You’re the only woman who could drink me under the table! You must have the liver of the gods!

Thalia: Hah! Welllll you might be surprised how correct you are about my liver! Classic Jimmy B!

Bond: You want some drinks?

Thalia: Does Zeus throw lightning?

Bond: Great! Uh… you aren’t going to publish this are you? I’d have to obtain your subscriber list and hunt down all of them.

Thalia: No! I’d never!

(Surprise!)

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I got to interview the big man himself today! Luckily he’s not sensitive about weight jokes. Here is the one and only… St. Nick!

Thalia: Hey there big guy! Looks like you’ve got a basketball for me underneath your shirt!

St. Nick: Ho ho ho! Thalia you are a cold woman! I imagine it’s because I made you come up here to the North Pole on a reindeer!!! HO HO HOOOOOO!!!

Thalia: Yeah it was freezing! I figured out how Rudolph got his red nose!

St. Nick: HO HO HOOOOOOOOO!!!

Thalia: So people want to know how in the world, pun intended, that you are able to deliver presents everywhere in one night? Because many people have done the math, and the time it takes to fly to a house, go down a chimney, and set the presents down, doesn’t really workout if you’re going to take care of the 7 billion people on this planet.

St. Nick: Ho! I have my ways, but if I told you, one of my elves would have to kill you.

Thalia: Really???

St. Nick: No I’m kidding! HO HOOOOO!!! It’s like this, I am a saint right?

Thalia: Yeah…

St. Nick: And many saints have powers like bilocation correct?

Thalia: Bilocation, the ability to be in multiple places at the same time. I’ve heard of it…

St. Nick: Well that’s how you do it! I just hop on my reindeer and POOF! I’m on everyone’s house in the entire world in no time!

Thalia: You know what? This does explain your weight problem.

St. Nick: Oh yeah! Sometimes I’m watching TV and instead of getting up off the couch I’ll just bilocate and get myself some glögg from Sweden.

Thalia: And God is ok with this?

St. Nick: He said I might get my bilocation powers taken away if I keep this up. I’m trying to break the habit.

Thalia: Come to Greece and exercise! Hercules will get you jacked and tan in no time!

St. Nick: Sounds good to me! HO HOOO HOOOOO!!!

Thalia: I hope you enjoyed this interview from St. Nick, the big guy up north! Merry Christmas!!!

Editor’s Note: This theory was developed by in 4th grade.

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Thalia: So K3, how’s it goin?

King Triton: Swimmingly Thalia! How about you?

Thalia: Can’t complain! So! Some readers have been saying that you should’ve let Ariel get turned into one of those slug looking things for making such a terrible deal with the Sea Witch Ursula.

King Triton: Well I can’t do that! She’s my daughter! Also, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but if you look at how she hangs out with a child fish and mentally unstable seagull, let’s just say her fishing net’s about half full. If she were a fish she would be taking the short school to school. Her depth of knowledge in no way resembles the Mariana Trench. Keeping that in mind, I could not let Ursula turn her into a sentient booger.

Thalia: Yeah, it’s a pretty bad deal. You were pretty trusting that it would work out!

King Triton: Yeah some would say making a deal with a Sea Witch that you can obtain true love’s first kiss in three days after being washed ashore naked and unable to talk to the man you want to fall in love with would be a tall order. You’d also be correct!

Thalia: Plus she had never even walked or known human culture at all!

King Triton: Yeah I wish I had her luck! More specifically I wish her mom had her luck! I told her to stay away from shiny objects holding food in the middle of the water but nope! She was hooked by a fisherman! I always said Ariel took after her mother!

Thalia: So did you think Prince Eric would save Ariel?

King Triton: Of course! Anyone who is crazy enough to take on my daughter is crazy enough to drive the prow of his ship through the heart of a gigantic Sea Witch!

Thalia: You know there is actually a lot of truth in that. So you’re currently being wheeled around in an aquarium that’s paid for by your King son-in-law. Got any plans while you’re on dry land?

King Triton: Oh yeah! We’re gonna visit some Long John Silvers, give them a piece of my trident, I mean mind. Then probably visit some fish markets. Then finally go to war against mankind for what they’ve been doing to the fish population.

Thalia: What was that last part?

King Triton: Nothing! I will say that inspirational documentary you have called Aquaman REALLY got my mind working. They did NOT like Land Walkers and to be honest, I didn’t think we would have a chance conquering you. At least until I saw that movie. I’ve taken some notes and updated my land itinerary if you can’t tell.

Thalia: Well that’s not a documentary but, whatever, never mind. Got anything else to say to the folks before you go?

King Triton: Yeah! Make sure you enjoy life Land Walkers! Live like tomorrow could be your last, cause I’ll make sure of it!

Thalia: Okaaaaay… well that wraps up this interview! K3 I’m gonna have to talk to you afterwards about a couple things. See ya!

So…

• How do you like this interview format? Would you like to see more of these?

• Would you have let Ariel become a sentient booger?

• Where would you rank her among Disney Princesses?

Honorary Muses

Checkout ’s ! He’s a music curator with great recommendations. He’s currently going through Rolling Stones 500 greatest albums of all time. Here’s my favorite! (I am a big Van Morrison and Daft Punk fan.)

JamWise

Jamwise #25

In non-music news, I’ve had a lot of tempting new name ideas for this newsletter lately that I can’t ignore any longer. Jamwise Gamgee, Jamothee Chalamet, Green Eggs And Jam, Jam I Am, Jam Halpert, and my personal favorite: God Jammit. I’m no marketer but I feel like there’s gold in there somewhere that’ll take me through the stratosphere. And no, I have no idea why Dr. Seuss is on there more than once. Probably something from my childhood or whatever. It’s like Popeye once said: I jam what I jam…

Read more

2 years ago · 11 likes · 5 comments · Dave Bigalot

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I’m sitting down with 007 today to ask him how he is able to be a secret agent and tell everyone his name. Enjoy!

Thalia: Hello 007!

007: Please Thalia, it’s Bond. James Bond

Thalia: Sounds good Jimmy B! So I’m gonna ask you the question everyone’s been wondering. How can you tell every kingpin and their mistress your name and not have your cover blown?

Bond: It’s very simple. Are you sure you want to know?

Thalia: YES OF COURSE!!!

Bond: Well have you noticed the average life span of people who know my name?

Thalia: Uhhh… (gulp) maybe?

Bond: Yeah, life insurance companies tend to hate the people that know me on a first name basis. Every mob boss and mistress I introduce myself to, tend to end up stiller than a Buckingham Palace guard.

Thalia: So does that mean after this interview you are going to kill me?

Bond: Yup. I’m sorry but I am going to have to kill you… WITH MARTINIS!!! We gotta go back to Mykonos!!! It was insane!!! You’re the only woman who could drink me under the table! You must have the liver of the gods!

Thalia: Hah! Welllll you might be surprised how correct you are about my liver! Classic Jimmy B!

Bond: You want some drinks?

Thalia: Does Zeus throw lightning?

Bond: Great! Uh… you aren’t going to publish this are you? I’d have to obtain your subscriber list and hunt down all of them.

Thalia: No! I’d never!

(Surprise!)

If you liked this checkout:

Like, comment and share! Subscribe to have my articles emailed to you!

Subscribe now

Share

Donate!

If I get enough donations I can produce more content each week! This is the only way I get paid.

One Time Donation | Pantheon Pass⚡| Crypto

Socials

Twitter | Reddit | thaliascomedy.com