11 Signs You're a Basic Substacker

Which one are you?

and

Aug 05, 2025

Editor’s Note: This is my most popular article of all time! Make sure you checkout the 2 sequels.

I’ve been on Substack for less than 6 months which makes me The Freshman (#1), I mean An Expert. During that time I experienced 300% subscriber growth going from 8 to 24 subscribers so I also know how to be successful (#2). Here are my warning signs that you are A Basic Substacker:

The Freshman. You’ve been on Substack for a couple months and already feel like you are An Expert. You obviously know how to be successful and can already lecture people how The System works. You are like a freshman in high school who thinks they are smarter than the seniors, teachers, parents and billionaires but needs mommy and daddy to drive them to the dance.
The Substack Growth Expert. You write posts on how to grow on Substack despite a tiny subscriber count. You know how SEO works and can get anyone’s blog on Google. Your evidence is the 1000% GROWTH you achieved going from 1 to 10 subscribers. You picture yourself like the 300 Greeks who fought Persia. Unfortunately you’re more like the 300 geeks who tried to invade Area 51.
The Notes Killer. You’ve hacked the Notes algorithm by posting bland aphorisms or questions like asking what everyone’s favorite color is. Your average note looks something like, “I am sad my Substack on the intricacies of breeding Guinea Pigs with brown spots has not gone mainstream yet. Eventually I’ll make it. You just have to keep trying. Does anyone else feel this way?”
The Health Expert. You write about how to thrive in the easiest period in human civilization to live. Fat butt disease kills more people than starvation in your country.
The Minimalist Caveman. You post about the evils of technology on a tech platform hosted on the internet. Your average post looks like, “Everyone knows that books hand written on papyrus is clearly the superior way to read and write. Also to save money, I like to write in my hand built treehouse located on someone else’s property, using their wifi to upload.”
The Political Assassin. Your average post goes something like, “YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF STOOOOOOOOOOOPID HITLERS!!!” Why should they vote for your candidate? Who knows but look at who they want to elect!!!
The Writing Expert. Turns out Substack hosts a ton of writers! Your ideal reader is right outside your front door! Your posts look something like, “How To Write Good and Think Other Good Ideas Well Too! Just write about what you did and ate that day!” Genius!
The Paid Subscriber Elitist. None of your posts are viewable. However for $500/month you can learn how to hack Satoshi’s Bitcoin account.
The Wordsmith. Your obsessive and gratuitous use of the vernacular of our times, our forefathers and those of alternate dimensions is absurdly misconceived and presumptive in regard to the talent within your grasp. Your metaphors are like a ball of clay melded into a tapestry of incoherence. When thinking whether you should have ventured into this endeavor, the most infinitesimal ponderance that you shouldn’t was crushed like an elephant absent mindedly sitting upon a gnat.
The AI Prophet. You warn of the evil’s of AI and send your post into the algorithm. AI writers and artists will destroy us all. It will clearly take away everyone’s jobs. I mean, I think it will right? Maybe it won’t. There’s no way AI could replace human writers. The human brain is so complex and robots can’t have souls. Actually to be honest, AI isn’t that bad. It’s pretty useful and is way better than stock photos. In fact, I for one welcome our AI Overlords. From here on I dedicate my worthless meatbag to them so that it in some way may appease them. I beseech they remember this moment so I may obtain some tasty morsel of food that I may better charge their batteries with this worthless husk of human flesh.
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