Bacteria Dies Eating Big Mac

“I was surprised anything could smell better than poop.”

Thalia ⚡ Immortal Wit and Mike Schuster ⚡ Immortal Wit

Aug 26, 2026

BIG MAC — A local bacteria named Fece tried eating a Big Mac and nearly died Tuesday.

“I was in the middle of eating dog poop when I saw a guy eating a cheeseburger and I figured I’d try it. All I’ve had to eat my my whole life is poop and I didn’t want to be 80 hours old and regret not trying a cheeseburger.

So I hopped aboard a fly and landed on the burger. It smelled great. I was surprised anything could smell better than poop.

I took one bite of it and I could feel something was wrong. I could feel it lodged in my cytoplasm. Actually it’s still there! See? Why can’t I digest it?!?!”

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Unfortunately, after this interview Fece passed away. Autopsies reveal he had a Nucleoid failure from the Big Mac.

His family issued a statement warning the greater community of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 bacteria not to eat poisonous foods like McDonald’s and to stick to safer, unprocessed foods like dead stuff, stagnant pools of water, and people’s toothbrushes.