"Be a Secret Agent and Tell Everyone Your Name" 007 Interview 🍸

The answer will take your breath away

Thalia, Muse of Comedy and Mike Schuster, Immortal Wit

Aug 19, 2025

Editor's Note: Sorry this is late! My life has been crazy since I moved cities. This is part of my interview series with fictitious people. I was thinking about letting paid subscribers pick who I have to interview every now and then. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

Welcome to Thalia’s God Tier News🎭. Satire News from the Comedy Muse. Everything but politics! Subscribe to have my articles emailed to you.

I’m sitting down with 007 today to ask him how he is able to be a secret agent and tell everyone his name. Enjoy!

Thalia: Hello 007!

007: Please Thalia, it’s Bond. James Bond

Thalia: Sounds good Jimmy B! So I’m gonna ask you the question everyone’s been wondering. How can you tell every kingpin and their mistress your name and not have your cover blown?

Bond: It’s very simple. Are you sure you want to know?

Thalia: YES OF COURSE!!!

Bond: Well have you noticed the average life span of people who know my name?

Thalia: Uhhh… (gulp) maybe?

Bond: Yeah, life insurance companies tend to hate the people that know me on a first name basis. Every mob boss and mistress I introduce myself to, tend to end up stiller than a Buckingham Palace guard.

Thalia: So does that mean after this interview you are going to kill me?

Bond: Yup. I’m sorry but I am going to have to kill you… WITH MARTINIS!!! We gotta go back to Mykonos!!! It was insane!!! You’re the only woman who could drink me under the table! You must have the liver of the gods!

Thalia: Hah! Welllll you might be surprised how correct you are about my liver! Classic Jimmy B!

Bond: You want some drinks?

Thalia: Does Zeus throw lightning?

Bond: Great! Uh… you aren’t going to publish this are you? I’d have to obtain your subscriber list and hunt down all of them.

Thalia: No! I’d never!

(Surprise!)

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