EXCLUSIVE: Kyriakos Grizzly Greece-Balled As Achilles
"Greek tragedies have a happy ending when he is the main character."
We have inside information that the greatest athlete to ever live was passed over for the role of Achilles in the new Odyssey movie for Elliot Page. He is a literal ball of human muscle. His proportions are perfect. He has the strength to launch a thousand ships… by throwing them. Greek tragedies have a happy ending when he is the main character. As an actual Greek goddess, I personally know Zeus pees himself a little and the titans suck their thumb when his name is mentioned.
You may know him as…
The Kariakos Grizzly
Behold the perfect ratio! He is nature’s masterpiece! Men—weep because someone else has achieved perfection! Women—cry because every man who courts you falls short of this platonic ideal!
GAZE UPON PERFECTION AND DESPAIR!!!
INSTEAD THEY CHOSE THIS PERSON FOR ACHILLES?????
Elliot Page
The Grizzly was that size when he was two! He eats gyros larger than that! Even my tiny mortal intern is larger!
(Asst. Editor’s Note: Ouch! Easy Thalia!)
This is not the great Achilles!!! Achilles shin guard would cover Elliot’s entire body! (I would know. We dated in high school. He didn’t talk much and just made me watch him at sword practice all the time.)
Can Elliot Page do this???
This is a classic… ok I have no idea what it is, but it’s 795 lb (360 kg)!!!!
400 lb (195 kg) carried with 4 fingers on each hand!!!
JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME SON!!!! THAT’S THE SPLITS!!!!!!
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He weighs 400 lb!!!
He comes with a built in war horn!!!
IT’S THE BLOAT LORD!!!!
It’s not Elliot’s fault that the Kyriakos Grizzly is the ultimate being. He would have absolutely mogged any man, woman, child, god or skyscraper! Actually, someone should do a wellness check on the director Christopher Nolan! Has anyone seen him lately? What about Elliot Page??? 😮
Question
Are we all in danger now that the Grizzly has been insulted???
Comment down below! 👇
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