Recently our nation’s scientists at the College of Science in charge of studying The Science declared washing hands to be an exercise in futility and recommended that you give up.
Here’s their statement:
“We have officially ceded the germ war. We know when we are up against a superior enemy. They have more men, more firepower and cannot be stopped.
According to our recent tests, give up washing your hands. It is dumb. You sit down to go #2 and then after wiping touch your belt buckle, pants and your phone. Yes Jaxon, we know you are on it in there. It takes forever.
After that you touch the faucet handles, wash your hands, touch the faucet you just touched with poop particles on it, and go about your day. This means everyone’s pants, belt, phones, faucets and hands are excrementally contaminated.
We hesitated revealing this top secret information because the hypochondriacs are gonna go nuts, as if they weren’t dealing with enough lately. Sigh…oh well. Sleep tight!”
There you go folks, The Science has spoken. Don’t bother washing your hands. Get used to the smell. We are entering a brave new world where the war with germs was finally lost. We put up a good fight but we were no match for their number 1, 2 punch.
Go hug and shake hands with a loved one, we are all in this together now. Well, I mean you guys are. I’m probably going to keep washing.
Are you guano cede the germ war? If so, let me know so I don’t touch your hands.
Did I go 2 far with this article?
Does this news stink?
Ain’t that some shit
As of publishing time, the toilet at the lab has been stolen. There is a hole in the floor and the scientists are looking into it. They report that as yet they have nothing to go on.