Substack 101: You Can Be a Millionaire Writing Expert 😮

"The best coaches were never pros..."

and

Oct 01, 2025

Hi! I am a Substack writing expert™ and I am here to teach you how to make millions writing your very own newsletter. We all know the best coaches were never pros and let me tell you... I am not even close to being professional. That means I’m easily the best coach you will ever meet.

Don't take my word for it though! My subscriber count has increased ♾️% since I began writing. I used to have 0 subscribers but with hard work I got 20 free subscribers. You can do it too if you keep asking your mom, your grandma, and bots!

I have a secret formula guaranteed to make anyone rich no matter how smart they are. In fact, if you are not smart, my secret formula works even better!!! It only costs $49.99 a class for an unknown amount of time.

Since I am so generous here are my secrets

(Shhhhhh!!! Don’t tell anyone!)

Level 9 Platinum Tier Double Helix Kick Flip 180 Paid Member

Secret #1

The Plan

Admit you are not smart and I am. Sorry! If you were smart you wouldn't be reading this. Right?
Chant this over and over:
"A fool and his money are soon parted."
"A fool and his money are soon parted."
"A fool and his money are soon parted."
Good! This phrase means fools (you) need to pay coaches (me) to be smarter which is perfectly normal.
You need to post on Substack Notes. I've noticed that it is impossible to grow on Notes if you don't post. Think about it!!!
Do not write if you are not already good. Take my classes first. Otherwise it's a waste of everybody's time.
Don't quit your day job. You need a steady stream of income to pay for courses.

Satire news with Immortal Wit! lol no politics. Subscribe to receive our articles in your inbox.

Secret #2

My Secret Triangle Scheme

I can tell you are a great student because you have made it this far.

Here…

is my secret.

I sell you classes.

You learn how to get rich and sell classes to others.

Every week I teach you and your new subscribers secrets to get rich. That means you and your subscribers will all pay and attend my classes.

Then they learn to sell classes to others and all of their subscribers attend all our classes. This cycle goes on and on forever until the entire world is rich!

(Notice the shape of the paragraph!🔼)

Congrats! You are the beginning of a worldwide movement!!!

Remember to use your writing expert™ powers as a force for positive change in the world. For instance, change your toilet to a solid gold Japanese toilet that opens the lid when you get near it! Change all of your poor friends for rich ones! Change your zip code to one that has tv shows named after it! Change your broken down car into a nice two seater helicopter! Change your free subscription at

Immortal Wit

to a paid one!!!